Shidduch questions, answered by those who know
Questions people really ask about shidduchim, dating, inquiries, engagement, the wedding and married life — with the answers of well-known rabbanim, rebbetzins and shadchanim. Every answer carries the name of the person who gave it; where they disagree, you see all the views.
This English section is new and growing. The full library of several thousand questions is available in Russian.
Guides
All guides (13) →Short lists on common questions: every line comes from one person’s answer, shown with their role.
- What do you talk about on a first shidduch date? Questions for dates 1–224 pointsask your ravdifferent views
- What to discuss from the third date on: home, money, Torah, parents, children25 pointsask your rav
- How can you see someone's real character on shidduch dates? Anger, stress, mistakes, maturity23 pointsask your rav
- How do I say no after a shidduch date without hurting anyone — through the shadchan or directly?25 pointsask your ravdifferent views
- What are the red flags on shidduch dates?25 pointsask your rav
- Yichud and negiah on shidduch dates: where may we meet — restaurant, park, hotel lobby, car?23 pointsask your ravdifferent views
Readiness for shidduchim
Choosing a spouse
- May I take looks (and money) into account when choosing, or is that wrong?
- Should I say no if someone doesn't match an item on my list -- or should the list be revised?
- What small behaviours on dates reveal a person's true character?
- Top learner, slim, prestige, money, what will people say: why do such criteria distort the choice?
- Should I turn down a good person over an external factor: short stature, a physical flaw, no degree, poor English?
- Which fundamental questions about our future life must be settled before the shidduch, and which can wait until marriage?
- How much should I trust my rigid taste in looks: height, type, not attractive to me?
- Should love come before the wedding, or does it come afterwards?
Working with a shadchan
Inquiries (checking references)
- Whom may I ask about a candidate, and whom should I not ask?
- What should I actually ask about when checking a shidduch?
- Where do a person's middos really show: in public or at home?
- How do I check a candidate's family: what to look at and what to ask?
- Why make shidduch inquiries at all? Can't I just meet the person and decide for myself?
- Is saying something negative about a candidate lashon hara, and under what conditions is it permitted at all?
- What must I disclose about myself even if I am not asked?
- I am being treated by a psychologist or psychiatrist. When do I need to disclose this in a shidduch?
- Which questions about a candidate are useless: is he smart, does he have good middos?
- How many inquiries are enough, and how many people should I call?
- Which questions exactly should I ask when making inquiries about a candidate?
- What may and may not be said when I am asked for a reference about someone?
- What about my health and past must I disclose before a shidduch, illnesses, medications, circumstances, and where is the limit of what is required?
- Why do I need a shidduch résumé, and what goes into it?
- Is it true that absurd questions get asked in shidduch inquiries, and what do they accomplish?
- How do I work with a candidate's references: ask everyone everything, and what can I expect from them?
- The shidduch résumé: does it matter, is it immodest to send one, and how do I read someone else's?
The first date
- What should we talk about on the first meeting?
- I'm terrified before a date -- is that normal, and what do I do about it?
- What mindset should I bring to the first date?
- Where is it best to meet? Does the venue itself matter?
- Where exactly may we meet without violating yichud, and which places must be avoided?
Later dates
- How often should a chosson and kallah meet and speak before the wedding, and what should they talk about?
- What do we talk about once dating gets serious, and what must be covered before the engagement?
- When do we move from light topics to serious ones, and how should the conversation deepen from date to date?
- Is there a way to test my feelings: take a break, or meet once more?
Doubts and saying no
- I've decided not to continue. Do I have to explain why -- to the shadchan or to the person?
- I see flaws in him. Where is the line between what I can live with and what is a reason to walk away?
- I've decided not to continue. How and when should I give my answer after a date?
- Which red flags on dates should put me on guard?
- The first impression was weak and there is no serious reason to say no. Should I give it a second chance, and how do I decide after a first meeting at all?
- I'm being pressured and rushed to decide. Should I make a decision under pressure?
- Something about this person worries me. How do I avoid ignoring red flags?
- I keep making excuses for his behaviour. Is that a warning sign?
- Everything fits, but there is no love, no click, no emotional connection yet. Can I move forward?
- I was turned down (or the engagement fell through at the last moment). How do I get through it, and does it mean something is wrong with me?
- So many dates and so many rejections. Is something wrong with me, and how much longer will this last?
- Before the engagement I am gripped by fear and anxiety: what if this is a mistake? Is that normal, or a sign that this is the wrong person?
- I keep being rejected at the same stage. What am I doing wrong?
Engagement
The wedding
- I can't afford to marry off my child. Where do I get the money for the wedding?
- Why do the bride and groom fast on their wedding day, and is this custom followed in every community?
- How do I open the money conversation, and how far may I probe about income?
- Is there yichud in a car or taxi? May we drive alone together on dates?
- What is yichud, and where is the prohibition derived from?
Money
Parents
Married life and shalom bayis
Intimacy and family purity
Children and relatives
Halacha
Special situations
Emunah while waiting
- What does 'bashert' mean: is there only one destined match for me, and is everything decided in advance?
- What does it mean that the Divine Presence dwells between husband and wife, and what does it bring to our home?
- The search has dragged on for years, the rejections do not stop, and despair is setting in. Where do I find the strength to go on?
Answered by people, not a program
Nobody makes up an answer on the spot here. Behind every answer is the experience of well-known rabbanim, rebbetzins and shadchanim — their own words from their books and responses. The name stands next to each answer, and where views differ, all of them are shown.
