Which questions about a candidate are useless: is he smart, does he have good middos?different views
General assessments say little without clear criteria, though the question of basic decency itself remains essential.
Smart and masmid mean different things depending on the yardstick of the person answering. Without a shared frame of reference she prefers concrete information.
“Factual questions will provide information; comparative questions don't”
A general question about good middos assumes too simple a division of people into two groups. Most people have both good traits and faults, so asking such a question does not usually provide much useful information. What is needed is information that reveals what is particular about this person.
“asking such a question doesn't usually provide much useful information”
In response to praise of a young man's learning, the Tchebiner Rav asked whether he was a mentch. He puts decency above a list of outstanding achievements; the record also cites a similar question of Rav Yisroel Salanter. It is a reminder of what the inquiry is really about.
“Is he a mentch?”
Related questions
- Whom may I ask about a candidate, and whom should I not ask?
- What should I actually ask about when checking a shidduch?
- Where do a person's middos really show: in public or at home?
- How do I check a candidate's family: what to look at and what to ask?
- Why make shidduch inquiries at all? Can't I just meet the person and decide for myself?
- Is saying something negative about a candidate lashon hara, and under what conditions is it permitted at all?
- What must I disclose about myself even if I am not asked?
- I am being treated by a psychologist or psychiatrist. When do I need to disclose this in a shidduch?
- How many inquiries are enough, and how many people should I call?
- Which questions exactly should I ask when making inquiries about a candidate?
- What may and may not be said when I am asked for a reference about someone?
- What about my health and past must I disclose before a shidduch, illnesses, medications, circumstances, and where is the limit of what is required?
- Why do I need a shidduch résumé, and what goes into it?
- Is it true that absurd questions get asked in shidduch inquiries, and what do they accomplish?
- How do I work with a candidate's references: ask everyone everything, and what can I expect from them?
- The shidduch résumé: does it matter, is it immodest to send one, and how do I read someone else's?
