Is it true that absurd questions get asked in shidduch inquiries, and what do they accomplish?
The cautionary examples given here show how superficial, excessive questioning pushes out what actually matters: finding out about character and compatibility.
A caution: he lists the questions about linen, tablecloths, food, the mother's clothing and the way the garbage can is arranged that people treat as important when matching a couple. He considers such standards superficial and destructive to the shidduch process, and notes that it is no coincidence that there are no questions about middos. In his critique, these inquiries say more about the attitudes of the person asking than about whether the future spouses suit each other.
A caution: she relates the story of an unnamed rav who, even on the way to the chuppah with his daughter, caught himself looking for one more reference and admitted that this was absurd. In the same passage someone in the midst of a search puts the need for a sense of proportion into words: somewhere between speed dating and checking dental records there has to be a reasonable middle ground. The shadchan, she suggests, should help both sides find that middle.
Related questions
- Whom may I ask about a candidate, and whom should I not ask?
- What should I actually ask about when checking a shidduch?
- Where do a person's middos really show: in public or at home?
- How do I check a candidate's family: what to look at and what to ask?
- Why make shidduch inquiries at all? Can't I just meet the person and decide for myself?
- Is saying something negative about a candidate lashon hara, and under what conditions is it permitted at all?
- What must I disclose about myself even if I am not asked?
- I am being treated by a psychologist or psychiatrist. When do I need to disclose this in a shidduch?
- Which questions about a candidate are useless: is he smart, does he have good middos?
- How many inquiries are enough, and how many people should I call?
- Which questions exactly should I ask when making inquiries about a candidate?
- What may and may not be said when I am asked for a reference about someone?
- What about my health and past must I disclose before a shidduch, illnesses, medications, circumstances, and where is the limit of what is required?
- Why do I need a shidduch résumé, and what goes into it?
- How do I work with a candidate's references: ask everyone everything, and what can I expect from them?
- The shidduch résumé: does it matter, is it immodest to send one, and how do I read someone else's?
