Where do a person's middos really show: in public or at home?
Behaviour at home is especially telling, but one of the analyses cited suggests looking both at the family and at how the person relates to others outside it.
As long as a person does not have to give up his own comfort, good nature does not yet show any work done on character. The home becomes the real test. Without inner work a person can only appear to have good middos in places and circumstances where he is not put to the test.
“He can only appear to have good middos in places and circumstances where he is not put to the test.”
He sets two explanations of the test of Rivka side by side: the Rokeach points to observation at home, the Chizkuni to behaviour away from parental supervision. The conclusion of the comparison is that both settings matter.
In the saying handed down in his name, the friendly public image is set against what a wife knows of the reactions at home: the only way to really know the truth about a person's middos is to ask his wife. The interpretations that follow connect home life with the discovery of hidden flaws of character.
“The only way to really know the truth about a person's middos is to ask his wife!”
He suggests observing how the person treats close relatives, especially parents, and how the parents treat each other. The real key to how respectfully they will act after marriage is their attitude toward their parents. He advises counting on a serious change in an adult's character only where there is consistent evidence of deliberate work on oneself.
“the real key to how respectfully they will act after marriage is their attitude toward their parents”
Related questions
- Whom may I ask about a candidate, and whom should I not ask?
- What should I actually ask about when checking a shidduch?
- How do I check a candidate's family: what to look at and what to ask?
- Why make shidduch inquiries at all? Can't I just meet the person and decide for myself?
- Is saying something negative about a candidate lashon hara, and under what conditions is it permitted at all?
- What must I disclose about myself even if I am not asked?
- I am being treated by a psychologist or psychiatrist. When do I need to disclose this in a shidduch?
- Which questions about a candidate are useless: is he smart, does he have good middos?
- How many inquiries are enough, and how many people should I call?
- Which questions exactly should I ask when making inquiries about a candidate?
- What may and may not be said when I am asked for a reference about someone?
- What about my health and past must I disclose before a shidduch, illnesses, medications, circumstances, and where is the limit of what is required?
- Why do I need a shidduch résumé, and what goes into it?
- Is it true that absurd questions get asked in shidduch inquiries, and what do they accomplish?
- How do I work with a candidate's references: ask everyone everything, and what can I expect from them?
- The shidduch résumé: does it matter, is it immodest to send one, and how do I read someone else's?
