Why make shidduch inquiries at all? Can't I just meet the person and decide for myself?ask your rav

The Sages instruct us to seek a match and not to be fussy, but that does not mean taking a person blind. The requirement to check is rooted in their own words: when courting a woman, look first at her brothers, because children tend to resemble the mother's brothers. And a man is not permitted to marry a woman without having seen her, lest he later find something repellent in her and violate the command to love your neighbour as yourself. Citing the Sages' explanation that Eliezer's check was incomplete, the author warns against deciding on one good sign. He compares it to the care taken over a significant purchase: before acquiring something valuable, we check its quality carefully; all the more so, he reasons, does the choice of a life partner demand attention.

The point of the inquiry stage is to learn what others know and what will not be said on a date. The task is not to dig up every flaw in the person and his family, but to obtain information you would not get otherwise. One had a weak record in learning, another a broken engagement, a third a minor medical issue, a fourth was not always religious; the whole question is whether it will be said or not.

“To say or not to say, that is the question.”

Many of the most important inner qualities simply do not surface during meetings. A person living a double life, outwardly gentle and pious, knows how to hide his real face, and no number of dates will expose it. That is why only reliable, thorough inquiries insure against later regret. The author recalls that in earlier generations shidduchim were made without the chassan and kallah meeting at all; today that is not a model to copy, but it is an argument that much is indeed established before the couple ever meets.

“many vital inner traits might not surface at all during meetings”

The requirement applies equally to the young man and the young woman. They need to establish compatibility and any circumstances that could hinder family life: they are obliged to find out everything necessary about the potential spouse and his or her family.

Having told how extremely brief his acquaintance with his future wife was, he did not suggest repeating that arrangement. At that time both had grown up in a known, reliable environment; in other circumstances the upbringing and home life need to be looked into in more detail.

“We cannot always take for granted that the outwardly frum impression portrayed remains the same reality behind closed doors”

As Rav Moshe Sternbuch presents it, even the miraculous signs Eliezer saw did not do away with checking Rivka's qualities: he first tested her to see whether she truly was exceptional in her middas hachessed. This applies to a candidate from a celebrated Torah family as well.

“he first tested her to see if she truly was exceptional in her middas hachessed”

When a proposal came from an unfamiliar town, inquiry is described as a natural part of the search: one must make inquiries, since this is after all a stranger. In this account, belief in a destined match coexists with finding out the facts.

Even a long acquaintance does not guarantee an understanding of what marriage requires. Factors which barely come into play in friendship suddenly loom very large in a marriage relationship. Young people may not yet know the very nature of everyday family life.

“Factors which barely come into play in friendship suddenly loom very large in a marriage relationship.”

Both are trying to make a good first impression, and the important traits show later. Therefore it makes sense for a person not to rely solely on his own impressions. He advises reliable information from close acquaintances and the opinion of experienced parents.

“it makes sense for a person not to rely solely on his own impressions”

She says plainly that negative traits can be hidden during dating and emerge in marriage. Inflexible, demanding, self-centered, manipulative individuals are the enemy of a happy marriage. Demanding extremes and unwillingness to consider the other person she regards as a serious obstacle.

“Inflexible, demanding, self-centered, manipulative individuals are the enemy of a happy marriage.”

In a specific reply about a girl from a town where there are Torah-knowledgeable people and mutual acquaintances, he points to the proper channels of inquiry that are available: the matter should be clarified through friends and the like, and that is quite sufficient. This is an answer about obtaining the missing details in those particular circumstances.