Whom may I ask about a candidate, and whom should I not ask?ask your rav
Ask people who know the person up close, in day-to-day life -- roommates, siblings, household members, people who see him at home and see who his role models are -- and who are well-meaning, well-informed, and understand your own scale of values; cross-check several opinions and use every source available. Don't rely mainly on a shadchan who has a stake in the outcome, keep in mind a rosh yeshiva's tendency to see his students favorably, don't approach an enemy, a rival, or a former dating partner, and a vague feeling that 'it won't work' with no specific reason isn't a reason to say no.
He forbids asking a known enemy or even a rival of the candidate: "You shouldn't ask a person's enemy, or even a competitor, about him." In the same way, a respondent should decline to give an opinion about his own opponent while the information is available elsewhere. He also doesn't recommend approaching a former dating partner, and limits questions about a previous marriage to what's directly relevant.
In the advice quoted, the shadchan, who has a stake in the outcome, shouldn't become the main source. "A family shouldn't rely mainly on the shadchan, since shadchanim have a personal interest in seeing the shidduch happen." Choices should be made using the most accurate information, taking the parents into account; in one case mentioned, where the parents disagreed, the daughter was advised to first seek their agreement and then lean toward her mother's opinion.
Friends and roommates can be biased, but they see everyday life and important traits. "A close roommate usually can't hide a serious character flaw or illness." The author suggests cross-checking several opinions, and not leaving delicate questions about family life solely to young, unmarried friends.
A mutual acquaintance and people outside the reference list are useful. But a negative impression from such an acquaintance needs a substantive reason: "A gut feeling that it won't work isn't enough." If there's no concrete problem, she doesn't advise turning down a suitable suggestion based on one prediction of a personality mismatch.
A caution: in her story, information from a household worker revealed the father's outbursts of anger, throwing dishes, and beatings, none of which came up in the family's usual description. "This is a very good family, but be careful when the father gets angry." For the person in the story, this information was reason enough not to continue with the suggestion. She calls for a combination of good intentions, being informed, sound judgment, and genuine concern for you. "Always consult trustworthy people who are well-meaning and well-informed." Any one of these qualities alone isn't enough.
Citing Rashi and the Yefeh Toar's explanation, he reads the unusual image as a call to use the sources of information available, rather than rely on omens. "You need to use every available resource, checking every possibility." Reports from people usually underrated should be weighed and analyzed too.
Someone who knows the family understands better what the person asking means by ambiguous descriptions. In the mother's remark she quotes, "one such recommendation is worth a whole basket of recommendations from people who don't understand where we're coming from." This argues for a shared frame of reference, not just a longer list.
He ties knowing someone's true character to the home life that the person's usual circle of acquaintances never sees. "The only way to really know the truth about a person's middos is to ask his wife!" In public a person can keep up an image, while at home his reactions to difficulty show.
In the story, he opens with the warning that a rosh yeshiva tends to see his own students favorably. At the same time he makes a point of his own honest answers: "Don't ask the rosh yeshiva -- in his eyes they're all good; but you can ask me." The story doesn't claim every conversation with a rav is useless.
She suggests looking at the role models a person has chosen in family and behavior, including his rav's home. In two stories this helped reveal closeness or difference in views about marital roles. Her short note -- "The same goes for role models" -- refers to how much they can reveal about a person.
She suggests finding out what a girl's brothers think of the young man, and paying attention to how they get along. "Find out what your sons think of the young man, to see whether they like him." This advice is tied to the biblical mention of Nachshon at Elisheva's marriage.
He doesn't permit gathering information from someone who's feuding with, or has quarreled with, the person in question. "You may not seek information from a known enemy of this person." This restricts the choice of who to ask.
In the story, the kallah's father complained that he had only one friend left in the city. The next day it turned out that the chassan's father had asked information from exactly that friend: "And who do you think he asked? The one and only friend this man has!" The Rebbe saw in the coincidence a sign of a shidduch arranged from Above.
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