Is saying something negative about a candidate lashon hara, and under what conditions is it permitted at all?ask your rav
The laws of speech are not suspended for shidduchim, but negative information may, and sometimes must, be passed on when not knowing it would harm the marriage: the purpose is to help, not to demean; the knowledge is first-hand or reliably verified; there is no exaggeration and no personal interest; the degree of certainty is stated; and there is no other way to achieve the purpose. One may not lie to conceal a flaw; the complexity of the rules is no excuse for silence: they must be learned, and in the grey zone one asks a Torah scholar.
The author permits necessary disclosure for the sake of a successful marriage when the aim is to help, not to demean: negative information may be revealed only when not knowing it could damage the marriage. He requires that the purpose cannot be achieved otherwise, that the knowledge be first-hand or reliably verified on the basis of sufficient experience, and that there be no exaggeration and no personal interest. One may not lie to conceal a flaw; when one does not know how to answer about a defect that is not public knowledge, he allows saying that one does not know. If the influence of a mentor or teacher could help correct the problem, efforts at correction should come first. Making inquiries is a chance to put what one has learned into practice. Between the clearly permitted and the clearly forbidden lies a large grey area where judgement and the advice of a talmid chacham are needed.
“derogatory words that are spoken for a constructive purpose do not constitute a violation of lashon hara or rechilus”
Sometimes a direct warning is necessary, but it must not be turned into gossip. Learning the laws of speech should help one understand what to say and how. He rejects the stance of washing one's hands of the whole business because it is too complicated, reminding us that for his own family a person would want to receive the help he needed.
“I wash my hands of this whole business; it's too complicated.”
As she presents the Chofetz Chaim, useful disclosure is possible under the proper conditions and with the degree of certainty clearly stated. Her practical formula: if you are not sure, ask your rav.
She requires that anyone involved in shidduchim become familiar with the halachos of permissible speech. Her advice includes a full and repeated study of the relevant material and teaching it to those involved; special cases call for a rav who specialises in this. A conversation about a shidduch frees neither the asker nor the answerer from care in speech: the laws of shmiras halashon are not suspended for shidduchim. This proviso limits how information is gathered and passed on.
“Anyone involved in shidduchim has an obligation to become familiar with the halachos of permissible speech.”
Meetings alone are usually not enough to learn everything one needs, so the author recommends turning to the candidate's acquaintances and relatives. When the conditions are met, even negative information is in many cases permissible for the sake of an objective choice: if the information he needs is hidden from him, he may make an irreparable mistake.
Related questions
- Whom may I ask about a candidate, and whom should I not ask?
- What should I actually ask about when checking a shidduch?
- Where do a person's middos really show: in public or at home?
- How do I check a candidate's family: what to look at and what to ask?
- Why make shidduch inquiries at all? Can't I just meet the person and decide for myself?
- What must I disclose about myself even if I am not asked?
- I am being treated by a psychologist or psychiatrist. When do I need to disclose this in a shidduch?
- Which questions about a candidate are useless: is he smart, does he have good middos?
- How many inquiries are enough, and how many people should I call?
- Which questions exactly should I ask when making inquiries about a candidate?
- What may and may not be said when I am asked for a reference about someone?
- What about my health and past must I disclose before a shidduch, illnesses, medications, circumstances, and where is the limit of what is required?
- Why do I need a shidduch résumé, and what goes into it?
- Is it true that absurd questions get asked in shidduch inquiries, and what do they accomplish?
- How do I work with a candidate's references: ask everyone everything, and what can I expect from them?
- The shidduch résumé: does it matter, is it immodest to send one, and how do I read someone else's?
