What must I disclose about myself even if I am not asked?different viewsask your rav
The duty to disclose depends on how material the matter is and on the harm to be expected; most of the records here address someone answering about another person.
He counts as material serious character traits, religious conduct, and definite health or emotional problems. His list includes seriously flawed character traits, immodesty, lack of religious commitment, definite health or emotional problems. When unsure how significant a piece of information is, he requires asking a rav before passing it on.
“Seriously flawed character traits, immodesty, lack of religious commitment, definite health or emotional problems.”
What one discloses unasked is whatever constitutes an obstacle to the marriage or would lead to the justified conclusion that, had one known it, one would never have considered this shidduch. According to Mishpetei HaShalom, even an unusual circumstance that nobody would think to ask about may require disclosure when it is known to matter to this side. Where the harmful significance is not understood, it may be emphasised without lying; a morally low act does not cease to be material just because it broke no specific law.
The limit of disclosure is also given: if something is perceived as a flaw but has no real consequences, it may be kept back. The Talmudic example concerns lineage that is no impediment to a permitted marriage.
Before passing anything on, one finds out what stage the shidduch is at and what the other side already knows. In the case described it is enough to warn the person that this shidduch is not for him, and if he presses for the reason, it is permitted to name it briefly without unnecessary detail.
Related questions
- Whom may I ask about a candidate, and whom should I not ask?
- What should I actually ask about when checking a shidduch?
- Where do a person's middos really show: in public or at home?
- How do I check a candidate's family: what to look at and what to ask?
- Why make shidduch inquiries at all? Can't I just meet the person and decide for myself?
- Is saying something negative about a candidate lashon hara, and under what conditions is it permitted at all?
- I am being treated by a psychologist or psychiatrist. When do I need to disclose this in a shidduch?
- Which questions about a candidate are useless: is he smart, does he have good middos?
- How many inquiries are enough, and how many people should I call?
- Which questions exactly should I ask when making inquiries about a candidate?
- What may and may not be said when I am asked for a reference about someone?
- What about my health and past must I disclose before a shidduch, illnesses, medications, circumstances, and where is the limit of what is required?
- Why do I need a shidduch résumé, and what goes into it?
- Is it true that absurd questions get asked in shidduch inquiries, and what do they accomplish?
- How do I work with a candidate's references: ask everyone everything, and what can I expect from them?
- The shidduch résumé: does it matter, is it immodest to send one, and how do I read someone else's?
