What must I disclose in a shidduch, and when? Health, therapy, past, baal teshuva, ger

What counts as essential — character traits, religious conduct, health?

Seriously flawed character traits, immodesty, lack of religious commitment, definite health or emotional problems; when unsure, ask a rav before saying anything.

What is revealed even without being asked — what stands in the way of the marriage?

Whatever stands in the way of the marriage, or what the other side would rightly say afterwards that, had they known, they would never have entertained this shidduch; even an unusual matter nobody would think to ask about may have to be disclosed.

Must I volunteer everything that might concern someone?

No — but a serious threat to the couple's future must be disclosed: conditions that would prevent functioning as a spouse or parent, and serious hereditary illnesses. And one may not lie outright about anything.

The other side does not know my strengths. Is telling them arrogance?

No: a full picture helps both sides decide; this is about real qualities the other side does not know of.

Can I decide on my own what to hide, what to say — and when?

Real age, a broken engagement, a divorce or scandal in the family, an illness — each is decided separately with a halachic authority; the consequences reach future shidduchim too.

Should I tell the shadchan the uncomfortable facts about myself?

If the fact will come out anyway without serious detective work, say it yourself: the shadchan will search more accurately and will not look like someone who hid a known fact. The meeting is still not a recital of every flaw.

When do I tell about mild anxiety or depression — and when about a more serious condition?

His guidelines: for comparatively mild conditions, in person once the relationship is serious but before anyone is fully attached; for more serious ones, earlier: if the condition will almost certainly interfere with normal life, before the first meeting; if it is well controlled by medication, before emotional attachment.

Must an illness be disclosed before the first meeting, or may it wait?

In the answer relayed, it need not be told before the first meeting; after three meetings, when matters are clearly heading in a positive direction, such things must be revealed.

Whom do I consult once I have the medical details from the doctor?

In several answers he sends the writer to a competent rav for a halachic ruling, after first getting the medical details from the treating doctor; the timing named in one answer was given to one particular person.

Must a serious matter be confessed on the very first date?

The first date is not the required moment: one may first see whether there is reason to continue. But concealing a serious condition until the other person is emotionally involved is absolutely prohibited.

Is there an obligation to reveal information even if it stops the shidduch?

Halacha may obligate disclosure — even if it stops the shidduch; because the stakes are so high, take it to a competent talmid chacham.

May a serious illness be left unsaid when a shidduch is proposed?

No: hiding a serious mental or physical illness is completely incorrect; doubt about a particular matter goes to a competent rav.

Cancer, celiac, Crohn's, diabetes — do these count as severe deficiencies?

Yes, they are to be told — but only when sure of the condition and of the facts; and the inquirer is told plainly not to disqualify the shidduch merely because a health condition exists, since many are controlled today.

I have diabetes controlled by medication. Must I tell?

Yes, before the shidduch is concluded — even though it is controlled; medication for emotional or mental issues with side effects must be told as well. High blood pressure alone, in an otherwise healthy person, need not be.

The candidate takes medication. Does that have to be disclosed?

It depends what for: constant medication for a mental illness is a severe deficiency and is disclosed even when nothing shows; allergy or cholesterol medication is not; for intermittent or past use, ask a talmid chacham.

Stigma and the fear of not getting married: why is treatment dropped and help not sought?

Stigma and intrusive information-gathering do more harm: treatment is dropped early, help is not sought for fear of not getting married, and solvable problems surface later and touch the next generation.

People are spreading something damaging from an observant woman's past — may the shidduch go ahead?

In such a case he wrote briefly: since her conduct in the present is observant — and teshuvah certainly helps — they may go ahead.

Must an old story of an immature act be passed on if the person has become someone else?

In the story, he did not pass on an old incident of defiant behaviour by a future mechutan who became an outstanding teacher of Torah: the information was not relevant — an immature act did not describe the man of today.

My parents' divorce is public knowledge. When do I acknowledge it, and how much do I tell?

A public fact is acknowledged early in the dating process; signal willingness to discuss how it affected you, and settle how much to tell with someone who knows your situation.

Her mother is Jewish and her father is not — must she volunteer this?

She does not have to volunteer it; but if asked directly, it is forbidden for her to lie.

My grandfather was a convert. Must I disclose that myself?

There is no need to reveal that one's grandfather was a ger if not asked; but where a parent's or grandparent's conversion determines the candidate's own Jewish status, one must make sure it was done according to halacha.

Must a shadchan tell the other side that the parents are baalei teshuvah (returnees to observance)?

If the parents now live a Jewish life, he does not require volunteering their past: it is the boy or girl, not their lineage, that matters most.

Should we go ahead with the shidduch when the lineage troubles us?

He said to go ahead with the shidduch without any hesitation, adding a question that ends the talk of lineage: aren't all of us descendants of Terach the idol merchant?

Which questions about earning should we go through before marriage?

Is each partner employed; does each have the education or potential to find work; do both plan to be in the workforce; do parents help with money; are there savings — the answers give the real picture rather than wishes.

Is it appropriate to ask about the family income and specific salaries?

Asking what role you will play in the family income — whether you will work — is fine; demanding a ten-year plan, specific salaries and bonus structure is not. Open with how the person describes their own spending habits.