I had (or have) an illness. Must I disclose it during a shidduch — and when?different viewsask your rav
A serious physical or mental illness that is ongoing and could affect married life may not be concealed, but it is disclosed not at the first meeting, but once, after several dates, things are clearly heading toward a serious connection; many poskim permit not disclosing an illness that has been cured and is unlikely to return, while the side who does find out is advised to ask a doctor and decide together with a rav. The exact timing and extent of disclosure are worked out with a rav, after learning the details from the treating physician, and treatment should never be skipped for the sake of concealment.
If an illness has been cured and a relapse is unlikely, many poskim permit not mentioning it. The other side, if they do find out, should not reject the shidduch outright: they should first ask a knowledgeable doctor about the real risks of that specific illness, and then, together with their own rav, make a considered decision. It's also worth remembering that today many families carry hereditary weaknesses — heart disease, diabetes, cancer — and a family where everyone lived long, healthy lives is hard to find.
“about the risks and dangers, one should ask a competent doctor.”
A young woman had hidden an eating disorder for four years, even from close friends — her weight was normal, and no one noticed anything — and agonized over how her future husband would react. She asked a posek, and he told her neither 'stay silent' nor 'tell him right away': she should disclose it after a few meetings, and only once there was a real likelihood the relationship was heading toward marriage. That is what she did.
“it should be disclosed only after we've met a few times.”
Presenting the Shulchan Aruch and later poskim, he warns of doubts about the validity of the kiddushin when a serious illness is concealed. 'It is forbidden to conceal information about a serious illness from either side.' As presented in the Meshaneh Halachos, this also carries a prohibition of onaas devarim. The source does not set a universal number of dates for disclosure.
He flatly rejects concealing a serious physical or psychiatric illness when proposing a shidduch. 'It is absolutely wrong to conceal or fail to disclose a serious mental or physical illness.' Any doubt about a specific circumstance should be brought to a competent rav for a decision.
In several responses he directs the person to a halachic decision, after first clarifying the medical details with the treating doctor. 'You should consult with a rabbi in your city who is competent in such matters.' In one specific reply, he names a timing: after the first meeting, if there is a wish to continue, disclose one's situation. This timing was given for one specific case.
She considers it necessary to disclose illnesses and medications capable of affecting the relationship, and suggests working out the timing with one's own rav. She also warns against skipping needed treatment for the sake of concealment: 'a person who properly takes their medication is healthier than someone who needs it but avoids taking it.' This is her argument for proper treatment and for openness.
She insists on discussing one's own difficulties in advance, once the relationship is moving toward a serious decision. 'I need to discuss my issues in advance.' The author is not suggesting this be done in the first three meetings or that every meeting become a conversation only about problems, but she warns that a later sense of having been deceived can destroy trust.
In a relayed response about a physical or emotional illness, he does not require disclosure before the first meeting. Once, after three meetings, things are clearly moving toward a serious connection, he requires disclosing such information. This is a specific instruction, conditioned on the relationship actually progressing well.
“After three meetings, once things appear to be moving in a positive direction, such information should be disclosed.”
To a young man with a past serious illness, he said that at this stage it was necessary to tell the young woman and her parents. He then reviewed the medical record himself and offered to have the conversation. His advice to the young woman to continue seeing him was given only after this review, and on condition that there were no other obstacles; the couple went on to build a family.
“If this is the only flaw in the shidduch, he would advise her to continue seeing him.”
He relates rulings on certain flaws whose disclosure can be delayed until later in the relationship, sometimes conveyed through an intermediary. In his account there are even later timings, and, for rare information that doesn't affect married life, cases where no disclosure at all is required. He puts all of these variations squarely under a rav's guidance. From this list, one cannot pick out an exception on one's own for one's own illness or other significant circumstance.
“It is permitted, and even advisable, to delay disclosing certain flaws or negative information until after the two have met.”
