Should we turn to a marriage counselor to save our marriage — or is that admitting defeat?different views
Seeking help is not defeat but a longstanding Jewish practice of reconciling spouses: someone not personally involved finds it easier to understand both sides, and speaking to a third party brings distance, while reading books or attending general classes cannot substitute for personal guidance, especially where problems are entrenched or serious. Choose someone skilled who understands what makes for peace in the home, and who both spouses accept.
He urged communities to choose skilled marriage counselors to bring couples back together. The very tradition of reconciling spouses is traced back to Aharon HaKohen, known for his patient, wise ability to mend family rifts. Today, when the surrounding secular culture erodes the stability of the Jewish home, the timely, sensitive help of someone who understands what makes for shalom bayis can be exactly the missing piece.
“he urged Jewish communities to appoint skilled family counselors to bring couples back together.”
He begins his work with separate conversations with the husband and the wife, then meets with both together. If necessary, the separate conversations are repeated before the couple is ready to discuss the issue jointly.
“First I speak with one, then with the other, then with both together.”
He sees value in a trustworthy listener and timely consultation before important decisions. Having the chance to voice grievances helps keep them from building up to an unbearable point.
“A third party can be necessary for important decisions.”
His positive assessment of Rav Shuchatovich's work shows recognition of this kind of work as meaningful service. He notes the support it gives to young people in married life and in various hardships.
“To bring light to married life and give real help to bachurim and avreichim.”
A mediator who is not emotionally involved often finds it easier to understand both sides without taking anyone's part. The experience of feeling understood calms a person and opens the way to spouses truly listening to each other.
“A third party can sympathize with both points of view.”
He acknowledges that starting counseling is hard, and points to its value for couples on the brink of breaking apart. Voicing one's feelings to a third person can sometimes allow a person to see what's happening with greater distance.
“Counseling has helped save many marriages.”
General classes don't account for everything unique about a particular family, so the author recommends ongoing guidance from a rav accepted by both spouses. Recorded shiurim and reading are useful as a foundation, but do not replace that kind of personal contact.
“They cannot and should not replace one's own personal rav.”
The author limits the scope of his own teachings: they are addressed primarily to couples just starting out together, and to healthy couples who want to deepen their bond. For relationships that are already seriously damaged, he does not promise a ready solution through reading.
“It is not meant to offer solutions for marriages that are already damaged.”
Where there are entrenched mental health issues, reading a book will not be the solution — therapy is usually needed to break unhealthy patterns and build healthy ones. But more often, relationships become 'rocky' simply because the people in them are out of sync with each other, and the very source of their happiness becomes a source of grief, 'and we don't know why' — which is the question the book answers. If a reader takes away even one strong argument for judging others favorably — since Hashem made every person different from every other — that alone is already a big step toward simcha and shalom.
“In such cases, therapy is usually needed to break unhealthy patterns and build healthy ones.”
In a note, he writes that this goes without saying: bnei Torah, talmidei chachamim, and anyone who has fear of Heaven should not seek out or ask advice from counselors or therapists who do not share our hashkafos, beliefs, and outlook on life.
“They should not seek out or ask advice from counselors or therapists who do not share our hashkafos.”
They say the opposite: seeking outside sources of help is not weakness but a tremendous bracha, and this includes therapists, doctors, rabbanim, financial advisors, paperwork helpers, and organizers. With a chronic problem, help is almost certainly needed: it's worth going to someone experienced and asking what to do. Getting stuck, they add, is not a Torah outlook: first we put Hashem at the center, and then we open ourselves to the many messengers through whom He can send help.
“Staying stuck is not the Torah's outlook on life. Getting unstuck is a Torah value.”
