How do I check a candidate's family: what to look at and what to ask?
Look first of all at whether it is a peaceful family: how the parents speak to each other and to the children, whether there is shalom bayis in the home, generosity, a match between declared values and practice, turning to daas Torah, and whether the parents' expectations match the candidate's own. The relatives come with the package, so this is a conversation about your future way of life. Ask from the general to the specific, in a way that makes it safe to answer in detail, and listen for hesitations and shades of meaning.
As the author presents it, Rashi advises looking for a peaceful family, and the Rambam warns against constant strife, cruelty and a lack of kindness.
He notes why Eliezer added the words tell me, please: there is a difference between ordinary telling and haggadah, which belongs where someone relates things at length and in detail until everything is clear. With this word Eliezer let it be known that he wanted not just the father's name but the whole family line in detail. Rivka took the hint and gave her lineage back to her great-grandfather Nachor, so her extra words were not verbosity but a precise answer to the question asked.
“he wanted her to tell him of her lineage, in detail”
A direct question about whether his family is normal will not get an honest answer. Instead he advises painting a picture: share a story about a family you admire and ask whether their family is similar; a point of comparison removes the need to hide. Listen for the shades: hesitations, a change of tone, evasiveness. And create a safe, non-judgemental atmosphere by saying outright that you are interested in both the good and the hard sides; trust is built gradually, and not everyone is ready to talk about family right away.
“Share a story about a family you admire or respect and ask them if their family is similar”
When you visit the parents' home, simply observe the parents. Do they speak politely to one another, do they consider each other's opinion, do they agree on values, interests and how they raise the children. How do they treat the children: do they let them speak, allow them to make mistakes; are the children at ease around them or tense. Is the home loud and categorical or easygoing and accommodating, is laughter heard in it or does an air of resentment and quarrels hang over it. And a separate question for yourself: does either parent have a trait you would not want to discover later in your spouse.
“Observe your date's parents. Do they speak politely to one another?”
When you make inquiries, start with the general: ask for a description of the parents. Then go into specifics, or the answers will stay polite and empty. Are they generous people, and in what exactly: with their time, money, involvement in the community? Is the father a real ben Torah, and what does he spend his free time on? Does the mother dress in line with the hashkafos the family claims as its own? How much and in what way are the parents involved in their children's lives, what is the standard of living in the home, is there shalom bayis as far as you know, and do the parents turn to daas Torah when a question calls for it. Separately, find out whether the parents and the candidate himself agree on what they are looking for in a shidduch.
Her first rule sounds prosaic: the relatives come with the package. Even if the parents live far away, each side will want to be part of your life as much as it can. Those nearby mean Shabbosos, Yomim Tovim, birthdays and unexpected visits; those far away mean waiting for visits and, possibly, a great many phone calls. So the question about family is not curiosity but a conversation about your future daily life. On background she asks where the ancestors came from, what the person knows about those places, what the parents do and what he learned from them, and whether there is a common profession in the family. The harder questions concern the honesty of the family's self-description, the closeness desired, a possible break with relatives, and the family's attitude to you. She suggests finding out whether they consider you not good enough as a match, whether their interest is tied to money or status, and whether the candidate agrees with the boundaries you want.
“Rule 1: They come with the package.”
Related questions
- Whom may I ask about a candidate, and whom should I not ask?
- What should I actually ask about when checking a shidduch?
- Where do a person's middos really show: in public or at home?
- Why make shidduch inquiries at all? Can't I just meet the person and decide for myself?
- Is saying something negative about a candidate lashon hara, and under what conditions is it permitted at all?
- What must I disclose about myself even if I am not asked?
- I am being treated by a psychologist or psychiatrist. When do I need to disclose this in a shidduch?
- Which questions about a candidate are useless: is he smart, does he have good middos?
- How many inquiries are enough, and how many people should I call?
- Which questions exactly should I ask when making inquiries about a candidate?
- What may and may not be said when I am asked for a reference about someone?
- What about my health and past must I disclose before a shidduch, illnesses, medications, circumstances, and where is the limit of what is required?
- Why do I need a shidduch résumé, and what goes into it?
- Is it true that absurd questions get asked in shidduch inquiries, and what do they accomplish?
- How do I work with a candidate's references: ask everyone everything, and what can I expect from them?
- The shidduch résumé: does it matter, is it immodest to send one, and how do I read someone else's?
