How do I work with a candidate's references: ask everyone everything, and what can I expect from them?different views

Do not ask every question of every reference: pick a few for each one. Remember that references often tell the family who called and what was asked, along with the content of the conversation; she has heard many stories of a family saying no to a shidduch precisely because of the questions raised during the inquiries. Listen to the order of words as well: just as the heaviest ingredient comes first on a food label, the first three character traits a reference names describe the person better than the ones at the end of the list.

“a family said 'no' to a shidduch suggestion based on the questions presented during birurim”

References are people the candidate chose himself; they love him and are close to him, so the value of what they tell you is limited, and praise should be taken with a healthy grain of salt. Your goal is a general sense of the person's goals, life situation and personality. Call every number and ask about what matters to you: plans, goals, character. And listen to what the reference chooses to say: sweet, caring and kind describe a very different person from energetic, fun and driven.

“you need to take what he is saying with a grain of salt”

Do not expect basic facts from references; they may not even know them. Their role is a subjective opinion of the person. All factual information must be supplied by the shadchan before the inquiring side starts calling references, which is why the information sheet also serves as a check on whether you have found everything out yourself.

“Someone doing research on your single should already have the basic facts in hand”