How do I write a shidduch résumé? About Me, photo, and references people actually call

The usual contents: name; age — better a date of birth, it does not go stale; where I live; father's name and occupation; mother's name, maiden name and occupation; where I learn or work; schools; siblings; references with phone numbers.

List two or three references and give more later: neighbours and rebbeim do not want endless calls about a candidate with little chance.

One neat page with name, age, contact details, a good time to call, family, education and the important details.

Also needed: interests, life goals, a short description of whom you seek, and references.

Have a written list ready: parents and family, education and work, your rabbi, teachers and close friends with phone numbers for inquiries; chesed activities, abilities and interests help too.

In the samples personal traits sit next to concrete activities; some shadchanim ask for a photo.

Details of school, camp and shul help people find channels they know for inquiries and broaden the base from which they can obtain information.

People often prefer channels they know, to read the answer more accurately.

Show what the person is about, which qualities they seek in a spouse and what kind of home they want to build: it is not a job résumé.

She considers the photo a mandatory part of the profile and advises using several channels for meeting people.

In the section about yourself "this is no place for modesty": share what is useful about yourself and your interests; if unsure whether a detail is appropriate, ask a rav or a shadchan.

A prepared profile cuts repeated clarifications and helps find mutual acquaintances for inquiries.

When reading someone else's résumé, read the personal section carefully: people work on it most, and it usually reflects the essence of the person accurately.

That is why it pays to read closely what the candidate chose to say about themselves.

For references: the shul rav, a teacher or principal from the last school, a married friend of the same age; a boss or a colleague will do; a reference's special status, or youth, is noted separately.

Contact them all in advance, get their consent, learn when to reach them and update what they know, so they speak about who you are today, not two years ago.

Do not expect basic facts from references — they may not know them; the shadchan must supply the facts before any calls, and a reference's role is a subjective view of the person.

The information sheet doubles as a check that you have found out everything yourself.

References are people the candidate chose; listen to praise with a healthy grain of salt and notice which words the reference picks: sweet, caring and kind versus energetic, fun and go-getter describe very different people.

Your goal is a general feel for goals, situation and personality: call every number and ask about what matters to you.

Do not ask every reference everything — choose a few questions for each: references tell the family who called and what was asked.

She has heard many stories of a family saying no because of the questions asked in inquiries; the first three traits mentioned say more than the last.

If there are no familiar names on the list, call the person's rav, rosh yeshivah or principal: their standards are known and checkable.

A list of unfamiliar names tells you little, because you do not know their frame of reference.

A photo is flat: it does not capture energy or personality, and it sets expectations — he came out too serious, and on the date he is already being "tested" for seriousness; if you are just starting, try without one.

There are quite a few stories of someone refused over a photo who married that person anyway.

If you do send a photo — two good ones, a close-up and full-length; look straight at the camera, smile; dress as you would for a date; if you wear glasses, wear them.

There is no point luring someone to a date with an image built for the right type.

Showing a bachur a photo of the girl before they meet, so that he can judge in advance whether he likes her, is forbidden.

This record gives an unambiguous no.

Our young women are not aspiring actresses who must submit photos before an audition; your assessment and your description of her appearance should be enough.

Asking for the girl's photo before even considering her is becoming more common — and it is objectionable.

A shadchan's photos help not to mix people up, but they are for the shadchan's own use only — passing them on to others is not allowed.

Photos help remember the living person behind the card.

A great shidduch résumé might get you a date; what gets you married is being yourself on the dates, not endless polishing of the paper.

She separates what gets you a date from what leads to marriage.

Do not rely solely on the shidduch résumé or on what the shadchan or the person says: talk to the candidate's friends, neighbours, rav and other reliable acquaintances.

That gives a fuller picture of both the person and the family.

Caution: a young man presented himself as a learning boy for a more prestigious shidduch, while those inquiring heard from the rosh yeshivah that "he spent more time in the coffee room than in his seat" — the suggestions stopped.

The young man blamed gossip for the lack of suggestions, while those inquiring heard about his actual conduct.

Is there anything online that does not fit the religious home you plan — old posts, photos — and can you, and will you, remove it?

It is best to be aware of this, especially if you plan a frum household.

An online profile is short labels and forms, often unverified and with outdated photos; the result is superficial profiles and disappointing dates.

The author prefers a personal assessment; this is his view of the approach described, not a review of today's sites.