What may I ask about a shidduch, and what may I tell? Inquiries and lashon hara
Each line below comes from a rav, a shadchan or an author writing about inquiries and the laws of speech, and links to the full answer. In a doubtful case, your rav decides.
25 pointsask your ravdifferent views
What to ask, and whom
- 1.
Why make inquiries at all — won't the meetings show everything?
Many vital inner traits never surface during meetings; a person living a double life can hide his true face, and no number of dates will expose it — only reliable inquiries protect you.
Author (name not given) · anonymousask your rava personal answerimportant - 2.
Can the shadchan be my main source of information?
The family should not rely mainly on the shadchan: shadchanim have a personal interest in the shidduch going through. Choose by the most accurate information, taking the parents' advice into account.
the Lubavitcher Rebbeask your rava personal answerimportant - 3.
May I ask the candidate's enemy or competitor?
Neither the person's enemy nor even his competitor; a former date is also not recommended. And the reverse: about your own adversary, better not to answer while others can be asked.
Levi Y. Hoff · authorask your rava personal answerimportant - 4.
What should I look at — school results, or middos and yiras Shamayim?
About her middos and yiras Shamayim, not her scholastic abilities; he rates stronger yiras Shamayim above a scholarly father in the other family.
Rav Chaim Kanievskyask your rava personal answerimportant - 5.
A father asks only about the bachur's learning — what is he missing?
To a father who asked only about learning he said that he was seeking a prestigious son-in-law for himself, not a good husband for his daughter. Ask how the young man treats others in the dormitory and the dining room.
Rav Shmuel Rozovskyask your rava personal answerimportant - 6.
Should the questions be general or specific?
Questions must be specific: general ones are an invitation to misunderstanding. Words like good, neat or friendly measure nothing, while asking whether he comes to seder on time or makes his bed in the morning leaves almost no room for error.
Rav Yitzchok Berkovitsimportant - 7.
How do I get a real answer to a question like whether he is frum?
Find someone who knows both of you: only such a person understands what you mean by frum, good in learning or outgoing.
Devora Weiner · authorimportant - 8.
What should come before a request for information about a person?
Always preface the request with the reason: I am asking because so-and-so is considering a shidduch with this person. It focuses the listener and keeps what is said constructive.
Rav Moshe Mordechai Lowyask your ravdifferent viewsa personal answer - 9.
Whom do I call, and what if three people say different things?
Do not drag it out for three weeks; call people who know him well: if three say the same thing independently, you can rely on it; if they differ, go to his rav. And ask someone who sees him from another side, such as a roommate.
Elana Bergovoy · author - 10.
How do I listen for what is not said?
Notice the important things nobody mentions and ask about them directly; if several independent people dodge a clear answer, that is reason to look further.
Rav Nachum Diamant - 11.
They say the bachur is outstanding. What should I still ask?
To praise of the young man's learning the Tchebiner Rav replied with one question — is he a mentch; the same question, the record notes, was asked by Rav Yisrael Salanter.
Rav Dov Berish Weidenfelddifferent viewsa personal answer - 12.
How many different people should I ask, and how do I weigh the praise?
At least three different people, checking whether the essential points repeat; exaggerated praise he advises discounting heavily.
Rav Nachum Diamantask your ravdifferent views - 13.
May one demand a list of everyone the girl has already dated?
In Rav Ephraim Wachsman's account the rav answered without hesitation: this is forbidden by the Torah — it exposes other people's private affairs without their consent and touches their dignity and good name.
the rav who was consulted (name not given) · ravask your ravdifferent views
What to say when you are the one asked
- 14.
When may negative information be revealed?
Negative information is revealed only when not knowing it could harm the marriage, when the purpose cannot be achieved otherwise, when the knowledge is first-hand or reliably verified, without exaggeration or self-interest. One may not lie to cover a flaw; in the grey area, ask a talmid chacham.
Levi Y. Hoff · authorask your rav - 15.
Which questions are allowed, and which are forbidden?
Substantive questions about illness and serious religious matters are allowed; demeaning comparisons and defamatory, irrelevant judgements are forbidden — including defaming someone for what his father did.
the Chofetz Chaim · ravask your rava personal answer - 16.
Which information must be left out — and what may not be left unsaid?
Irrelevant, subjective, distorted or gratuitously harmful information is ruled out; at the same time some facts must be told — silence can also be a violation.
Rav Nisson Wolpinask your rava personal answer - 17.
How much detail should I give the person asking?
Only what helps the inquirer decide whether to continue this particular shidduch; leave out everything extraneous.
Rav Moshe Mordechai Lowyask your rava personal answer - 18.
Why caution and brevity, when the line is so thin?
The line between permitted and forbidden information is very thin; before judging, make sure you both mean the same by the same words — a single unpleasant story can sometimes ruin a person's whole life.
Author (name not given) · anonymousask your rava personal answer - 19.
A girl cannot cook — must she or her friends mention it?
In his example neither the girl nor her friends need to bring it up; even when asked directly about her cooking, a friend can simply say 'I don't know.'
Rav Yitzchok Berkovitsask your ravdifferent viewsa personal answer - 20.
May I speak if it will cause more damage than the law would impose?
What you say must not cause more damage than the law would impose: you do not tell a known gossip, nor where it will spark a quarrel; instead you turn to a rav or a trusted person who can advise against the match.
the Chofetz Chaim · ravask your rav - 21.
And if the warning will not change the decision to marry — should I speak?
A warning that will not change the decision to marry later becomes a weapon in a quarrel; creating that possibility is a violation, not a helpful disclosure of the truth.
the Chofetz Chaim · ravask your ravimportant - 22.
When giving information, may I compare two boys?
No: information about a person is given on its own, not by comparing two boys or two girls.
Rav Chaim Kanievskyask your ravone voicea personal answer - 23.
Can an emphasis or a gesture in my answer tip the scale?
One is answerable both for saying too much and for leaving out what was needed: every word, emphasis and slight gesture can tip the scale — so even in a hurry, stop and think.
Levi Y. Hoff · authorask your ravone voice - 24.
Can the purpose be achieved without a derogatory report — and may I invent a reason?
If the purpose can be achieved without a derogatory report, that is the required route — for instance by showing a mismatch of interests; inventing a reason that does not exist, to soften the answer, is forbidden.
Rav Yitzchok Silverask your ravdifferent views - 25.
I may be asked for information about someone — what do I need to know?
Anyone may be asked for information about a person or a family; both saying too much and withholding what is needed are mistakes.
Rav Moshe Mordechai Lowyask your rava personal answer
What the labels mean
- ask your rav
- This page shows what different sources have written on the question. The practical decision belongs to your own rav.
- different views
- Sources answer this question differently; the point’s source and the full answer show how.
- one voice
- Only one author is presented here. Several of his answers or publications do not amount to agreement among independent sources.
- a personal answer
- This is an answer given to a particular person in his or her circumstances, or guidance the source itself does not present as a general rule. Check whether it applies to your situation.
- important
- Where there are threats, violence, ongoing humiliation or control, safety and professional help come first. Working on yourself is no substitute for protection from abuse. In immediate danger, call your local emergency services; discuss halachic questions with a rav.
What the books do not cover
- The halachic part is drawn from several books — English ones and one anonymous Russian guide; two lines carry the one-voice mark.
- On what to do when the references contradict each other there is only Elana Bergovoy's short advice — go to his rav; the sources do not treat it separately.