I keep making excuses for his behaviour. Is that a warning sign?

She marks excuses plainly as a warning sign. He is just going through a hard time, he has enormous potential, he is talented, he just hasn't found himself yet: these, she says, are not explanations but self-deception. When we start making excuses for someone's concerning behaviour, it usually means we already know there is a problem but are not ready to deal with it, and we build a bridge of what-ifs and somedays over the warning signs instead of looking at what is happening now.

“When we start making excuses for someone's concerning behavior, it usually means we know there's a problem”

She advises extreme caution if you suspect traits in a person that demean and crush another. Do not let excuses cloud your vision: see the person for what he truly is. You marry, she says, someone who will treat you with the love and respect every human being deserves.

“Don't allow excuses to cloud your vision. See a person for what s/he truly is.”

She points to a telltale sign: you catch yourself explaining this person's actions to others with words to the effect that he means well, but. Ask yourself what you feel at that moment, whether this will make you unhappy later, and whether it is not doing so already. She adds a test question: have you heard him say dishonest things to people, and what kind of things were they.

“oh they mean well but…”

A caution: an acquaintance told him that his sister had been dating a young man for months; he brought her home toward morning when she had work the next day, and then he suddenly decided he was not very interested, all of it discussed with cold detachment. When asked to talk to the young man, Rav Wachsman answered with a question: are you still interested in such a bachur? The answer was yes, he is a known name, everyone knows him.

“You should bentsch gomel that he revealed himself before anything tragic happened.”