The first impression was weak and there is no serious reason to say no. Should I give it a second chance, and how do I decide after a first meeting at all?

She sees a hasty refusal as a common and costly mistake: people reject one another on the basis of inaccurate information, or simply without giving the person a chance to show himself fully. One look at a résumé or at the person and they decide it is not for them, when, had they really come to know him, they might have been crazy about him.

“People often reject one another based on inaccurate information”

His conclusion has two sides, because anything can happen between a first and a second meeting, in either direction: on the one hand, do not make an immediate decision; on the other, do not get too excited either. Both extremes after one meeting are equally unreliable. He asked a young man why he was dropping girls after one date and heard: I don't know, no reason; it just wasn't the way I thought it would be. His answer was that something turning out differently from what you imagined is not enough of a reason to say no; keep checking. He is not saying marry her; he is saying try again, because a first meeting can disappoint for a thousand and one reasons. His rule applies to a calm, normal meeting after which there is no excitement but also no objection to the person. In that case he does not require a special reason to continue: the absence of a reason to say no is reason enough. This is not an argument for continuing in the face of a specific, serious problem.

“On one hand, one shouldn't make an immediate decision, and on the other, one shouldn't get too excited.”

The ideal spouse may well make a poor first impression and still have a great deal to offer. You have surely heard happy couples say that they were not thrilled with each other at the first meeting. Do not be quick to judge; you might miss the best opportunity of your life. Take the time to find out what the person is really like. People decide that someone is not for them at the very first meeting very often and with great confidence, though the decision rests, in essence, on nothing. Meanwhile there are many good marriages that began with a poor first impression, and sometimes with a wholly unsuccessful first meeting, simply because the people gave the shidduch another chance. In a world where everyone wants everything immediately, nobody spends time getting to know a person: they judge by surface qualities and miss the far more valuable ones that show later. Their benchmark is a match on at least five of your ten main personal priorities. If that is hard to tell, they suggest discussing your impressions with parents, a rav, a rebbetzin or a mentor.

“Don’t be quick to judge — you might miss the best opportunity of your life!”

She reduces the decision about a second date to one question: is this person pleasant? If yes, continue. Many people are not themselves on a first date: nerves, too little sleep, one coffee too many; agreeing to a second is ordinary courtesy. There are a great many couples where one of them wanted to say no after the first date but tried once more, and they married. It also shows the shadchan that you are open and easy to work with. If the other side agrees to a second date and you feel like declining, she advises saying yes, and here is why: that is what a mensch does; you never know whom this person knows, and a good impression can lead to a recommendation; agreeing to a second date commits you to nothing further; many happy couples went through wanting to decline after the first; there was something good in the first meeting too; and almost nobody is themselves on a first date. The main thing is that a refusal needs absolute clarity: you may not say no because of a vague inner feeling or uncertainty, or you may later regret closing the door too early. The rule of her mentor, the shadchanit Danielle Leiba, is short: when in doubt, go. Two of her recent shidduchim nearly ended because the girls wanted to decline but decided to try again; both couples married, they simply needed more time. In another story a girl turned down a young man she found too American after a good first date, and her mother, herself a shadchanit, insisted on the same standard: if the other side wants to continue and there were no serious problems, go again and get to know the person well enough that a no after the second date is said with full clarity. That couple ended up marrying.

“is this person pleasant? If the answer is yes, you should continue”

Ratner suggests roughly three meetings for the tension to drop and for it to become easier to get to know the person. He recalls that on his own first date he was afraid even to order his usual food, for fear of staining his clothes. That kind of stiffness is a poor showing of the whole person; the number of meetings here is his practical benchmark, not an obligation to continue in the face of serious doubts.

“Dating can be uncomfortable, and it is really difficult to get to know someone on the first date”

The argument that it is better to stop now so as not to hurt him more later she considers mistaken: as long as there is even a small chance it will work out, the other side would rather continue, even at the cost of deeper involvement and possible disappointment. The risk of a break-up is part of dating, but the possible gain outweighs it. As long as some potential remains, keep going: warm feelings often develop slowly. After a first meeting she usually does not call for long deliberation: it is enough that the looks and personality are not off-putting and that your ways of life do not seriously diverge. Certainty about the future is not needed yet.

“As long as there is some potential, even just a little, keep going.”

He explains why early impressions are so misleading. The primacy effect is at work, the first information carries more weight than the rest; the recency effect, the last thing is also remembered well while the middle is lost; and negative information outweighs positive. Then cognitive dissonance sets in: having once decided that the person is not right, we devalue everything good we learn afterwards. In shidduch dating this is taken to the extreme: people are weeded out at once instead of being counted in, although research shows that those who look for the positives first tend to make better decisions.

“those who look for positives first tend to be more successful in their decision-making”

To someone who was inclined to say no but had no certainty, he answered briefly: since the possibility of meeting once more exists, you should use it and see how that meeting affects you. It is after that meeting that the feelings will become clearer, and the final decision will no longer be made blind.

She reminds you that a first date rarely lets you see a person's inner world, and that an impression of someone's looks can change as you get to know them. She suggests asking yourself whether a second date would really do any harm, and how fair it is to judge another person on one attempt when you yourself may not have opened up right away. She cites good marriages that began with doubts as a reason to give a neutral acquaintance one more chance.

“Many fine marriages have resulted from shidduchim that got off to a doubtful start.”