How do I say no after a shidduch date without hurting anyone — through the shadchan or directly?

How do I give my answer after a date? The first rule: give an answer, and give it fast. Don't hold back a no; let the other person enjoy hearing a yes.

Waiting is painful for the other side; if you need time to think or consult, call the shadchan right away and say so.

How long may I think it over? Get back to the shadchan as soon as you can and within 24 hours at most; a message that you need more time is also an answer.

Barring an emergency, the answer comes within 24 hours; as things develop, more time between dates is fine.

Not sure — should I say maybe? No: if the answer is no, don't say maybe; if you really are unsure, say exactly that.

Give the decision quickly and clearly; the question is not whether to marry this person, only whether there is enough interest for another date.

I know they're not right for me but I hate to hurt them — can I drag it out? No: once you have clarity, end it as soon as you can. The longer you drag it out, the more you break their heart.

Stalling is worse: it wastes both people's time and emotional energy and only makes the pain bigger; you might break their heart either way — the question is how much.

I haven't sorted out my feelings yet, or I'm waiting for my parents' advice — what do I tell the shadchan? Call anyway within the agreed 24 hours and report exactly that, rather than going silent.

Get in touch right after the date, or first thing next morning if it is late; if the person doesn't call, the shadchan should call them and remind them of the agreement.

Do I have to explain why? No — unless there is a very clear benefit in it. It is enough to say: "I decided not to pursue this shidduch, it was not for me."

Nothing more is required of you.

What words do I use to say no without hurting them? The no goes through the shadchan with great sensitivity; by Rav Zelig Pliskin's rules, "I don't think that we are suited for each other" is usually sufficient.

Neither side should needlessly tell the go-between anything bad about the other; and if you may have hurt someone, ask forgiveness.

Must I explain my reason to the shadchan? No: halachically it is enough to say it is "not matim" (not a fit), and the shadchan should not press for an explanation.

A reason can help the shadchan search more precisely, but there is no obligation to give one.

I'm not interested in the suggestion — may I gently say I am busy with another shidduch? Yes, a bachur (young man) may answer that way — precisely in order not to hurt the girl and her parents.

It is permitted precisely so that no one is hurt.

Is "we just aren't growing" enough? That is evasive. Be honest and very brief about the reasons instead: that you have different approaches to life, different personalities, or that the other is a wonderful person but you do not get along well enough.

Honesty and maturity call for an open, if very brief, word about the reasons — many people agonise for years over what they did wrong; cruel bluntness is not required.

The real reason is her weight — should I tell her honestly? No: some reasons are never named. Simply stop dating her, but never say it was because of her weight.

That is not motivation, it is arrogance: you would wreck her self-esteem, and she might pass over someone who likes her body type just fine.

What if I do give the reason? The other view: if it is not lashon hara, give the shadchan the reason — it is easier for the person to know why, and the shadchan learns what to look for next time.

A no after a first date with no reason at all leaves a bad taste: the shadchan concludes you discard good options too fast, and your date concludes you found them repulsive.

The shadchan urges me to share my doubts — do I have to? While unsure, discuss it with whoever can best help you think; once decided, you owe an explanation to no one but Hashem and yourself.

The report to the shadchan after a date is the most sensitive spot for lashon hara; on a final no, say nothing bad about the other side without first checking with a rav that it truly matters.

Should I tell her myself that I don't want to continue? You have every right not to continue — but tell it to the shadchan and ask advice on how to express yourself; don't just let it all out.

A young man often does not realise he is wounding her and puts it crudely, unintentionally telling her she is unwanted.

When can we do without the go-between? Only when things are clearly positive and both sides more or less expect an engagement — it is not a good idea to drop the shadchan too early.

The switch is agreed together with the shadchan, and he is kept informed afterwards: he helps match the pace of both sides and time the proposal.

Someone close to me was turned down — how do I support them? Feelings of rejection can be very painful: validate them rather than brush them off, and plant hope at the same time.

Whoever is at their side has the responsibility to get them through it with the least damage to their self-esteem.

I ended the shidduch after a few meetings — must I ask forgiveness? No: that is entirely proper, and there is no need to ask mechilah (forgiveness) for it.

It is different once things have gone further and it is already known the match is about to be approved: breaking off is wrong because of the embarrassment to the other side, and is not done without a weighty reason.

First, honestly: should I go on a second date? There is one question — is this person pleasant? If yes, continue. Her mentor's rule: when in doubt, go out.

Many people are not themselves on a first date; a yes to a second date commits you to nothing further, and a no should come only with absolute clarity, not from a vague feeling.

I lean towards no but I'm not sure — should I refuse now? Since the possibility of meeting again exists, use it and see what effect that meeting has on you.

After that meeting your feelings will be clearer, and the final decision will no longer be made blind.

They say we have met so many times that it is time to decide — should I give in? Never give in to pressure: as long as you don't feel comfortable, don't finalize; five, seven or ten dates makes no difference.

Give in, and later you will ask yourself what you did and why, and at every friction in married life you will grumble that you were pushed into it.

The shadchan is rushing me to decide after a few dates — is there a normal timeline? Timelines differ: one couple met on Wednesday and got engaged on Monday, another dated for over half a year until she felt ready for a lifelong commitment.

One woman was pressured by the shadchan to commit after a few dates; the rav invited the young man for Shabbos — he turned out to be unstable with serious medical problems, and the rav advised her to break it off.

May a shadchan talk people into a shidduch? The mitzvah is to suggest the shidduch and then allow matters to take their natural course; persuading parties who have declined to change their minds is not a mitzvah.

That is how he instructed shadchanim.

And the opposite case — we are pushed to keep meeting "just because"? For a couple that has already discussed the necessary topics several times and thoroughly, continuing to meet merely for the sake of meeting is not appropriate — decide one way or the other.

These answers set no single number of dates for everyone.

Parents say that if they don't force her, she will never marry. Is your fear a reason to engage her to a boy she doesn't like? Do you want to see her divorced — is that any better?

Force her, and you will have an engagement, a wedding and a married daughter — for two weeks: problems in a marriage surface very fast. What will you have gained?

For the prospect of marriage I'm expected to give way on my boundaries — what do I do? It's no big deal, everyone does it, we're getting married anyway — that is not respect but manipulation; if you have to fight someone on your principles, that is not a healthy sign for the relationship.

Respect means honouring the other person's boundaries, values and comfort; you should never be pressured, shamed or pushed against your value system.