I've decided not to continue. Do I have to explain why -- to the shadchan or to the person?different viewsask your rav
You're not obligated to explain your reason for saying no -- halachically a short "it just wasn't right for me" is enough, and anything demeaning or hurtful (like weight) is never said aloud at all; a reason may be disclosed only for a clear benefit -- say, so the shadchan can clear up a misunderstanding, or when the same person is being suggested to someone else. There's also an opinion that, when the reason isn't lashon hara, it's better to tell the shadchan: it's easier on the person who was turned down, and it sharpens the next search.
Someone who has decided not to continue doesn't need to disclose the reason -- unless there's a very clear benefit in doing so. It's enough to say one thing: I've decided not to continue, it wasn't right for me. Nothing more is required of you.
“I've decided not to continue this shidduch, it wasn't right for me.”
The most sensitive point, in terms of lashon hara, is exactly the report given to the shadchan after a date. If you're still unsure and need advice, discuss it with whoever can best help you sort it out -- the shadchan or someone else. But once the decision is final, you owe an explanation to no one but Hashem and yourself: the shadchan may try to convince you that sharing your doubts is helpful, but if you don't think so, you're not obligated to explain. And when giving a final no, you may not say anything negative to the shadchan about the other side without first checking with a rav that it's actually necessary.
“He owes an explanation to no one but Hashem and himself.”
No, you don't have to. A reason can help the shadchan search more precisely, but halachically it's enough to say it isn't a match, and the shadchan shouldn't press for an explanation.
“Halachically, the one who says no can simply say it's lo matim, not a match.”
There are reasons that are never given, even when they're the real ones. To a man for whom the girl's weight wasn't right, her answer is: there's no way to tell her that -- it wouldn't motivate her, it would just be cruel. Simply stop dating, but never name weight as the reason: it will crush her self-esteem, and she'll pass by the very person who'd love her body type, because she'll be stuck thinking no one wants someone like her.
“Stop dating her, but never tell her the reason was her weight.”
If it isn't lashon hara, tell the shadchan the reason. It's usually easier for a person to know why they were turned down, and the shadchan gets to know you better and understands what to look for next time. A refusal after a first date with no reason at all leaves a bad aftertaste: the shadchan will think you reject good options too hastily, and the other person will think they came across as completely repulsive to you.
“A refusal after the first date, given with no reason, leaves a bad aftertaste.”
There's no need to explain why a shidduch didn't work out -- unless disclosing the reason is genuinely useful, and even then give as few details as possible. You can simply say the other side didn't feel it should continue. Say too much, and you risk pinning the label "picky" or "difficult" on the one who ended it.
“You can simply say the other side didn't see a reason to continue.”
He looks at this as a question of lashon hara. The side that broke off the shidduch has no right to disclose the reason -- that's no longer le-toeles. The exception is when the information serves someone else's benefit: for instance, if she's approached about a new shidduch with the same person, then she may say. The side that didn't break it off may say that the break didn't come from them -- but no more than that.
Sometimes the shadchan needs to be told the difficulty, so he can clear up a misunderstanding for the benefit of both sides. But once the decision not to continue is final and there's no more doubt, demeaning information may not be disclosed. Personal discomfort or a wish to be free of pressure don't by themselves create permission.
“The shadchan's job is to find common ground, highlight the positive, and soften the negative.”
