I see flaws in him. Where is the line between what I can live with and what is a reason to walk away?
Everyone has flaws, and flaws by themselves aren't a reason to say no: what decides is yiras shamayim and good middos, not what's secondary; something you can talk about openly and live with is bearable, an annoying five percent dissolves into the rest, and someone else's weakness is often exactly the area where you'll both grow together. The line is where you truly can't live with something, or where the flaw points to something bigger -- a temper, difficulty trusting, and above all abusive behavior, which is never tolerated whatever else is being weighed; when in doubt, check further and get advice.
Seeing flaws doesn't mean rejecting someone -- everyone has them. Weigh them against the positive traits, and decide whether you can and should live with these particular flaws; the goal is a realistic picture of the person, not an ideal one. But she puts one trait outside any weighing at all: never accept someone with an abusive personality -- choose someone who admires you and treats you with respect. Beyond that, she says, there's no "right" or "wrong" about who's right for you -- only you can hear that inner "click."
There are no perfect people -- this she brings from the Rebbe; and if quirks like chronic lateness can be talked about openly, then you're lucky, because those can be worked on. But there are things you simply won't be able to live with -- and then it's more honest to admit that and walk away. Separately, she notes a subject often left unspoken before the wedding: major shalom bayis problems happen to couples who never talked through who's putting bread on the table.
“Everyone has their quirks, but if you can talk about them, you're fortunate.”
He suggests asking yourself one question: am I just bothered by this five percent that isn't to my taste -- or is it so hard for me that it overshadows everything else? If it's the former, and you're happy with the ninety-five percent you've seen, then over time that five percent will fade: your spouse's many good qualities will cover it so well that you'll stop noticing. His example is a strong foreign accent that's irritating now -- if everything else is good, before long the spouse will stop hearing it and will even be surprised when other people mention it.
“Do these five percent just bother me — or is it genuinely hard for me to live with them?”
Ratner warns that a noticed temper or difficulty trusting may turn out to matter much more over years of living together. He suggests distinguishing between what you can genuinely live with and what is a real dealbreaker for you. Respect for the person and a visible willingness to grow allow for compromise, but they don't make every flaw harmless.
“Decide which flaws are dealbreakers, and where there's room for compromise.”
One thing strikes them as almost miraculous: in many couples, the very weaknesses each partner noticed in the other turned out to be exactly the area where the other needed to grow. In other words, a noticed flaw is often not a sign of incompatibility but a pointer to the work these two are meant to do together.
“The “weaknesses” they noticed turned out to be exactly the area where the other one needed to grow.”
There are no perfect people, and perfection doesn't exist -- not anywhere in this world, and not in any one person, because only the Creator is complete. The decision should rest on what truly matters: yiras shamayim and good middos, not on what's secondary; one reason many who are searching don't find anyone is that they focus on unimportant details, on the secondary of the secondary. Since no one has every good quality, the person searching doesn't have them all either -- they just look at themselves with a good eye -- and that has to be taken into account too. To a young man who had just started dating, he advised not to rush to negative judgments and to look with a good eye: that way you see both the good qualities that are there and the ones that will develop over time. And to someone who listed the "flaws" of his kallah, down to doubts about her kashrus and Shabbos observance, he answered that what was listed weren't flaws at all, and that such suspicions were the result of the writer's own low spirits; his advice was to meet a few more times and, over time, come to know whether he wanted to marry her or not.
“Look with a good eye, and you'll see both the virtues already there and the ones that will develop with time.”
You should notice everything -- but not every flaw is a reason to break things off. First, everyone has flaws, and the real question is different: can I live with them, can I work with them, how will they affect the atmosphere in our home, and do they point to something bigger? Second, a person can act out of character: a bad headache, bad news right before the date, first-date nerves, money lost that morning. Your job is to tell whether this points to a real problem or is an exception; when in doubt, discuss it with someone you trust and check further.
“The question worth asking: can I live with these flaws, and can I work with them?”
