Which red flags on dates should put me on guard?

The danger signs she lists: anger, such as shouting at a taxi driver or a waiter, and anger does not have to be loud; it can look like constant displeasure and irritation; impatience; rudeness; controlling behaviour, such as trying to manage your circle of friends or your spending; harsh, belittling sarcasm; extreme stinginess. She suggests watching how he reacts to a small setback: if the couple is turned away from the place they planned to meet, does he get angry at the doorman, does he chew over the slight all evening.

“Anger does not have to be loud. It can look more like someone is disgruntled”

In their words, be wary if the date spent most of the time mocking teachers or rabbanim, or openly showed other bad character traits. And if you are not sure how to read some behaviour or conversation and the shadchan cannot help, speak to a rav.

“be wary if the date spent most of the time mocking teachers or rabbanim”

The question of red flags seems obvious, yet time and again people see problems and wave them away, telling themselves that it will all pass after the wedding; most likely that is not true. Her list: does the person's mood swing sharply when something unpleasant happens; does he forgive easily; does he bring up old arguments; does he envy successful people; does he look for faults in people everyone loves. Separately, she advises listening for whether he excuses his own weaknesses; the sign is a phrase like nobody is perfect, after which he does nothing to work on his character.

“many times people see problems but they pass them over by telling themselves that the problem will go away when they are married”

She divides the signs into two lists. The other person's behaviour: aggression, physical or verbal; attempts to control your actions, decisions and contacts; attempts to isolate you from friends and family; shifting the blame for his own mistakes onto you; manipulation that makes you doubt your own perception and judgement; obsessive fixation that demands constant attention. And your own feelings: fear and anxiety around the person; a sense of losing control of your life; growing isolation from those close to you; constant guilt over things that are not your fault; unending discomfort; the need to justify yourself all the time; a feeling of being smothered by his attention.

“Do they manipulate you into questioning your sanity or perceptions?”

He stresses that the best indicator is not family history (people who grew up in abusive homes do not necessarily become abusers) but the behaviour you can see while dating. The general rule: if someone is too pushy, too pressuring or too intense too early, you are not obliged to continue, even when he declares his love right away; such early intensity is itself a bad sign. Among the signs he names: ordering food for you; demanding that you spend time only with his relatives; refusing to meet your friends; belittling your achievements; running you down in front of friends and family; getting angry quickly and for a long time; shouting and throwing things; excessive jealousy and control; calling you names. With any of these, he advises leaving the relationship as fast as possible.

“The best indicators are behaviors observed while dating.”