What are the red flags on shidduch dates?

Anger does not have to be loud: it can be shouting at a cab driver or a waiter, or it can look like someone who is constantly disgruntled. Watch how they handle a small setback.

Her list also has impatience, rudeness, attempts to control your friends or your spending, harsh belittling sarcasm and extreme stinginess.

The best indicator is not family history but behaviour observed while dating. Too pushy, too pressuring, too intense too soon — you do not have to continue, even if they declare love right away.

His indicators include ordering food for you, demanding you spend time only with his family, refusing to meet your friends, belittling your achievements, getting angry fast and for long, calling you names. With any of them — leave as quickly as you can.

Behavioural stop signs: aggression, attempts to control your decisions and contacts, isolating you from friends and family, shifting the blame onto you, manipulation that makes you question your own perception, a demand for constant attention.

Her second list is about your own feelings: fear and anxiety around the person, losing control of your own life, constant guilt for things that are not your fault, always having to justify yourself.

Be wary if the date spent most of the time mocking teachers or rabbanim. If you are unsure how to read some behaviour and the shadchan cannot help, talk to a rav.

The same goes for any other bad character traits shown openly.

Do their moods swing sharply when something unpleasant happens; do they forgive easily; do they bring up old fights; are they jealous of successful people; do they find fault with people everyone likes.

People constantly see problems and wave them away, telling themselves it will go away once they are married; most likely it will not. A separate sign: "no one's perfect", followed by doing nothing about one's character.

Jealousy has nothing to do with love and everything to do with possessiveness and lack of trust. Being told from the first dates that you are the only one he could ever talk to — that is how someone isolates you from friends and family and demands commitment too early.

Checking your phone and messages belongs here too, as does blaming you for everything that goes wrong and taking every setback — overtime at work, a parking ticket — as a personal attack.

Be cautious of someone who consistently behaves unkindly or inconsiderately towards others. Alongside that: disrespect for your opinions and boundaries, and avoiding important conversations.

His list also has signs of dishonesty and unreliability, clashing core values, lack of empathy, consistently dismissing your dreams, and a fundamentally different vision of the future.

Caution signs: frequent lying and secrecy, words and actions that don't match, constant criticism, irritation over small things, defensiveness and an inability to admit being wrong.

She names the signs of a healthy relationship just as plainly: kindness to you and to others, honesty, respect for your boundaries, reliability proven by action, the ability to listen.

Watch what happens when things don't go their way: do they blame others, do they push, can they take disagreement calmly. Does the person need to one-up or compete with you — that is a huge red flag.

She warns plainly against marrying a controlling or hot-tempered person and against hoping to fix them yourself; look at their relationships with parents and friends too.

In every case she knows of, the warning signals were there before marriage — they went unrecognised or were brushed aside. The main trait is control and possessiveness; yet no single trait is a diagnosis — the picture emerges when several keep repeating.

Her traits include a sudden change of face, too good to be true, inability to empathise, disregard for boundaries, shifting blame, lying and minimising, not coping with anger, alcohol abuse.

Saying that the cheaper places just taste like dirt sounds like confidence but is arrogance: she notices neither her date's opinion nor his budget. The opposite pole: answering every question with whatever you think, and not one opinion of her own.

In the second story the young man who remembered her allergy was more attentive to her needs than she was herself; for all its gentleness, such indecision wears a person down.

Ask whether he would skip a long-awaited event if it fell on his wife's birthday: a balanced answer that looks for a way to make it up is one thing; dismissing it as a childish party is a warning signal.

On such a signal keep probing: listen to how he speaks about people and ask about his friendships and quarrels.

Ask through definitions: "how do you define verbal abuse?", was there a time you did that to someone, and what would you do if your spouse behaved that way.

The same set for emotional abuse, with one addition: has the person been on the receiving end of it. Definition plus personal example show where someone's line really runs.

A road-rage outburst three weeks before the wedding; the shadchanit assured them she had heard nothing bad about his character; four years later, divorce. Aggression you saw with your own eyes is not cancelled by a go-between's assurances.

Riva's own conclusion, as given there: she should have broken up with him at that point.

The references were spotless, yet whenever she asked about his parents or siblings he quickly changed the topic; further inquiry revealed a hidden family situation.

The authors hold that he needed a rav's or a professional's help to work through it before building his own home.

If, after being asked repeatedly, he refuses to promise how he will observe after the wedding, the hope that he will change after marriage is extremely doubtful. First speak with him privately.

The evasiveness may come from not wanting to look as if he is bowing to someone else's decision; hence a conversation with no one else present, explaining that otherwise the relationship cannot continue.

Ask yourself: does this person make me feel insecure, guilty, controlled or defensive? One trait is not a verdict; a combination of several is a flashing red light.

Her list also asks: sharp mood swings — kind one minute, cruel the next; does his anger frighten you; do you change your behaviour because of him; does he always see himself as the victim.

You rationalise his behaviour, downplay significant issues, idealise him, drift away from people who love you, feel drained after seeing him. Asked "how do you feel when you're with him?", Esther answered "on edge" — and that said it all.

When you are emotionally involved it is hard to see clearly; you need total honesty with yourself and feedback from people you trust.

He's just going through a hard time, he has huge potential, he just hasn't found himself yet — when you start making excuses for concerning behaviour, you usually already know there is a problem.

Those are not explanations but self-deception: a bridge of what-ifs and somedays built over what is happening now.

Suspect he is lying to you on some level? First ask yourself: am I lying to myself about the severity of the issue.

The first lie worth exposing is your own minimising.

You need to feel safe around the person. If something nags at you or you cannot be yourself with them, check it with a mentor now, not after the wedding: your gut doesn't lie to you.

Waving away what feels wrong is not something he advises.

Three respected advisers said it would sort itself out after the wedding — it did not. Advisers see the couples who doubted and were grateful later; the unhappy ones stay silent and never come back to tell.

The man had concrete doubts — no conversation flowed, no understanding, constant criticism instead of acceptance; he listened to the advisers, and the years passed in misery.

A caution sign calls for a conversation: do they take it seriously, acknowledge the problem, work on it. Whether to continue or end it is your decision, made with a clear understanding of what is going on.

Her words about a conversation apply to a caution sign specifically; they are not a licence to continue any dangerous relationship.

Thinking that with you he will be different is a mistake: marriage will only bring out the worst in him. Several worrying traits that keep repeating are a reason to get the opinion of someone who knows this field.

Do not panic, but do not retreat into denial or endless judging favourably either; Torah is not therapy, and change is possible only when the person admits the trouble, wants to change and gets help.

For months he brings her home towards morning, then coolly announces he is not that interested — and her brother still holds on to the "top name". Be thankful he revealed himself before anything tragic happened.

Asked to talk to him, the rav answered with a question: are you still interested in such a bachur?