How do I live with my spouse's flaws that irritate me or surfaced only after the wedding?
Ordinary flaws in a spouse are lived with by shifting your gaze from the irritating trait to the whole person and to what is embedded within them: noticing the good, looking with the 'right eye,' remembering that both of you were created with virtues and flaws and that you yourself are imperfect — so a flaw you notice in the other is first a reason to check that same trait in yourself. The support here is faith that Providence brought precisely this spouse for your own correction, and prayer both for the ability to see their virtues and for whatever your own strength is lacking.
They suggest making a list of fifty good things about your spouse, including the simple, everyday blessings. They tie coping with recurring irritation to turning to Hashem for whatever your own strength lacks. They suggest giving up the expectation that a husband will meet every need, and instead looking for the good already present in both of you. When irritation arises, they turn to prayer and to working on their own ability to stay connected.
“Make a list of fifty good things about your spouse.”
He reminds us that both spouses were created with virtues and imperfections. In discussing ordinary differences, a person's task is to work on improving himself and to accept his spouse. He describes flaws as areas of work that we ourselves also have. He suggests carrying over the same tolerance we have for our own unfinished state to our spouse.
“Improving your spouse is not your responsibility.”
He suggests relying on faith in Hashem's role in the shidduch and its meaning for one's own personal correction. He ties this work to prayer for the ability to see the virtues of one's fellow.
“To see the positive sides of those close to us, not their flaws.”
The author reminds us that it's impossible to see every one of a person's everyday quirks before the wedding. He suggests not letting some unpleasant small thing become the whole of how you see your spouse, and instead returning to what connects you. He considers spiritual priorities and a readiness to grow as supports for this kind of tolerance; this is about ordinary quirks, not serious issues.
“Focus on your positive qualities.”
She suggests not narrowing your view down to the irritating trait. In her examples, paying attention to gentleness, thoughtfulness, or generosity helps you see the whole person.
“See and appreciate the full picture — the whole person.”
He regards a flaw noticed in another person as, first of all, a reason to check that same trait in oneself. This is inner work that comes before any rebuke.
“Through the mirror of the other person, Hashem shows a person his own flaw.”
Even if the sense that something isn't ideal is not imagined, true perfection belongs to Hashem alone: the very command to go 'from strength to strength' shows that a person has no perfection — every earlier level is imperfect compared to the next. And among people, perfection is relative: different people are strong in different things. A spouse who has been blessed with success should be regarded as a special gift. As for the way of looking itself, the Rebbe cites a well-known talk of the Previous Lubavitcher Rebbe: a person was created with a right eye and a left eye, and to look with the 'right eye' means to look favorably — a fellow Jew should be looked at in a way that sees his merit and his good, all the more so a spouse. And since this is commanded, the strength to fulfill it has also been given.
If it seems that the flaws outweigh the virtues, attention needs to shift from what is present now to what is embedded within. Rabbi Yochanan, on seeing the bandit chief Reish Lakish, looked not at his trade but at the strength and energy that belonged in Torah — and Reish Lakish became a great sage. An artist looking at a blank canvas sees the future painting; a person with flaws deserves to be seen the same way. People who believe in others achieve something almost miraculous — so it's worth not giving up before even starting.
“Your strength should go into the study of Torah.”
A cautionary tale: two boys grew up in the same town, in good families, and learned in the same yeshiva — yet one became a tzaddik and the other a rasha, and everyone marveled at the difference. A wise man suggested asking each of them to describe his hometown. The first man's eyes lit up: the chazzan davened from the depths of his heart, the shopkeeper was a model of honesty, the rav knew all of Shas — and so it went for everyone. The second waved it off: the chazzan could lead the davening, but you'd be hard-pressed to find a bigger ignoramus; the shopkeeper had no give in him at all; the rav, though he knew Shas, could hardly be called a real lamdan. The riddle was solved: the first had grown up surrounded by people in whom he saw righteousness, and wanted to be like them himself; the second saw nothing but flaws around him, and followed their path. This, say the Sages, is what is meant by calling a 'good eye' the discipleship of Avraham, and a 'bad eye' the school of Bilam.
“Someone who sees the virtues of the people around him tends to follow in their ways.”
They taught that every person has a virtue capable of touching real greatness, and a negative trait capable of dragging them down very low, and there are no exceptions — anyone with even a little self-awareness can see this in himself. So, having looked honestly at one's own weaknesses, it becomes easy to understand: since you yourself are not perfect, your spouse too is allowed to have flaws — and just as you love yourself despite your own shortcomings, you can love your spouse despite theirs.
“Just as you know you yourself are not perfect, so too your spouse is allowed to have flaws.”
The best way to accept a spouse's real, non-imagined flaws, he taught, is to understand that all of it comes from Hashem and is, in fact, for the best. He explained this directly: Providence brings each person specifically to the spouse whose difficulty will bring them to their greatest completeness in the World to Come. He repeated this lesson again and again: what couples consider their Gehinnom is in fact their Gan Eden. Everyone in this world carries their own burden — for some it's poverty, for others wealth — and a person is expected to understand and accept that this is directed by Providence, and is his contribution to fixing the world. In the same way, he suggested accepting a spouse's flaws as part of the portion Hashem has given a person here.
He compares Hashem's matchmaking to the splitting of the sea and calls the bond of every couple astonishing — and this comparison is brought here as confirmation of the same outlook.
“the bond of every couple is astonishing.”
