We have no children, or can no longer have them. Does our intimacy still have meaning?ask your rav
The meaning of intimacy is not limited to having children: it is its own mitzvah and the husband's obligation, a sacred bond essential to a couple's happiness, and it keeps its spiritual significance during pregnancy, nursing, and when children are no longer possible — every act of holy union brings forth spiritual offspring, and the marital blessing enriches the whole of life.
He states this directly: a couple conceives spiritual 'children' even when they cannot conceive physically. The fruit of their union is not limited to physical birth. He answers the same pain from another angle: our teachers say that every act of holy marital union brings forth spiritual offspring — even when physical conception is impossible. Those 'children' can be the souls of future converts, thoughts of teshuvah that awaken other Jews, or simply waves of warmth and goodness that spread through the world. So the intention of 'bringing down a holy soul' does not become empty for such a couple.
This blessing exists throughout all the years of marriage, including the years that have nothing to do with having children. It enriches a person for a lifetime — and it enriches the neshamos of their children too.
The purpose of intimacy in Judaism is not limited to having children: it is inherent and necessary for the well-being and happiness of the relationship. The Torah regards marriage, and everything it carries, as a sacred bond — that is what the very words kiddushin and nisuin mean, sanctification and elevation. And our Sages teach that when husband and wife live in peace and harmony, the Shechinah joins them.
“Kiddushin and nisuin — meaning ‘sanctification’ and ‘elevation.’”
Continuing the family line is not the only purpose of marital intimacy. It is the husband's obligation to be intimate with his wife — a mitzvah in its own right and one of his three basic obligations under the Torah, alongside food and clothing. So intimacy remains commanded even when conception is impossible: it is not an appendage to having children, but an obligation in itself.
“Onah, the husband's obligation to be intimate with his wife, is one of his three basic obligations under the Torah.”
In the kabbalistic explanation cited here, intimacy retains its spiritual significance when the wife is pregnant, nursing, or unable to have children. Rav Shuchatovich ties the marital obligation to the ongoing strengthening of the couple's inner unity.
“Even when the wife cannot have children… this awakens forces above.”
