My husband is too attached to his mother -- how should I handle it?
Jealousy of a husband's mother is a well-known trap on both sides, and forcing them apart isn't advised: the situation is usually temporary, the tug-of-war eases as the marriage grows stronger, and closeness with a mother can coexist with a good marriage as long as each spouse feels like the other's number one. Don't make your husband choose; getting advice doesn't mean being obligated to follow it, and before taking drastic steps it helps to first find out how serious things really are.
He describes the knot from both sides: the mother-in-law can't accept that a daughter-in-law has appeared who now gets so much attention, while the daughter-in-law feels the opposite -- "why is he so attached to his mother, he should be attached to me" -- and starts trying to pull them apart by force. His conclusion: if the daughter-in-law understood that the situation is temporary and that once the relationship with her husband is properly solid the tug-of-war will ease on its own, it would all be quite bearable. (Here he also repeats his own sharp saying -- "a bad mother-in-law starts with a bad daughter-in-law." This is his own harsh formulation, a warning about how mutual resentment spirals, not a verdict on the daughter-in-law or a guide for what to do today.)
“If only she understood that this situation is temporary.”
She describes the same thing as a well-known trap that catches both sides: a wife can be jealous of her husband's mother, and a mother and daughter can be so close that the husband unintentionally feels like a third wheel and starts resenting that bond. No husband will be happy if his wife tells her mother everything and consistently prefers her mother's advice to his opinion. The guideline is simple: both husband and wife should feel like the number-one person in their spouse's life. Knowing about these traps in advance makes them easier to avoid.
She sees the frequent calls as a possible stage of growing up, and gratitude toward the mother who raised a good person. In her experience, closeness with a mother can coexist with a good marriage, and a jealous reading of it only adds tension.
“Insecurity and jealousy are a choice.”
She's bothered by constant discussion with the mother of every detail of their life, even though her husband respects her and her mother-in-law isn't imposing control. Her main complaint is the feeling that there are three in the marriage, and that she's the one left on the outside.
“There are three of us, and one feels pushed out.”
She suggests not making the husband choose between the people close to him, and distinguishing between getting advice and being obligated to follow it. Mothers, for their part, shouldn't expect their advice to be automatically carried out.
“Don't make him choose between you and his mother.”
She advises gathering information and clarifying how serious the situation is before any drastic intervention. This is compared to taking someone's temperature before deciding what kind of help is needed.
“An approach similar to taking someone's temperature.”
