Top learner, slim, prestige, money, what will people say: why do such criteria distort the choice?

Secular notions of the ideal spouse have crept into our homes and affected us more deeply than we think: we are far more superficial than our grandparents would have allowed themselves to be. When the criterion becomes a top learner or a size 2, regardless of middos, that is exactly this superficiality.

“A top learner or a size 2 balabusta is the criteria, regardless of middos”

In shidduchim people forget that here too the goal is to do Hashem's will, and they decide on improper motives: what will people say, is this important enough, do they have enough money. At times it looks from the outside as if a person is fighting Heaven: Heaven sends him the best, hand-picked partner, and he pushes her away with all his might because she is not what he had pictured. How can one expect the Shechinah to dwell in a home that grew out of a quarrel with His will? Be wholehearted with Hashem, and Rashi explains: do not try to probe the future; accept with love what comes. A person who lives by the Shulchan Aruch asks himself what Hashem wants of him, and therefore takes up the shidduch sent to him with hope and without prejudice.

“Heaven sends them the best possible, hand-picked partner, yet they push it away forcefully”

He shows that this is not only a women's story. Young men themselves reinforce the belief that a dress size is a bride's most important attribute, discuss her potential for gaining weight after childbirth, and at the same time obsess over their own bodies, believing that a perfect figure in an expensive Italian suit will make them a better catch and widen their choice. It is the same disease from the other side.

“a prospective date's dress size is her most important attribute”

Easy wealth has left its mark on both the yeshivish and the chassidish world: lavish celebrations, expensive houses and cars, and above all, money has become the measure of a person's worth. The emphasis on the material makes us more vulnerable to mistakes in judging character: some stay single because a candidate lacked the required attributes, others chase those attributes and recognise the mistake later, and the number of broken engagements and divorces grows. An outstanding bachur is told that years of diligence entitle him to a high price, and he dates for years, passing over wonderful girls. External measures, height, weight, money, cloud the vision like a cataract; as consumers we are used to accepting nothing short of perfection: one scratch on a new car and the heart sinks. Yet parents know from experience what Chazal have been saying since Sinai: happiness and stability come from middos and spirituality, while prosperity, success and beauty are valuable only when they serve something higher.

“money and luxury have become our currency for judging quality and success”