What small behaviours on dates reveal a person's true character?

Watch how he treats the waiter and the parking attendant; whether he is careful about lashon hara; whether he turns off his phone and gives you his attention, and if not, how he speaks to the callers; what his relationship with his parents and family is like, because that is probably how he will behave with a spouse; whom he respects; whether he listens to you and how he responds to what you tell him; whether he is easily irritated. Pay attention to the hints: someone who finds it hard to get along with people will most likely find marriage hard too, and someone who blames others for his failures has usually not yet learned to take responsibility for his own behaviour, while deep warmth toward family, friends and rabbanim speaks of respect and love for people in general. Separately they name sensitivity and caring as the two main ingredients of a happy marriage: it is easy to act attentive for a short while, hard to keep it up if it is not real, and they suggest watching how a person reacts to people asking for help on the street, to someone who embarrassed him, and whether he takes part in community chesed.

“The way he/she interacts with his/her family is probably the way he/she will interact with one’s spouse.”

Small acts of care tell a big story. You are sitting under the air conditioner: does he notice that you are cold? Does he offer to switch seats or lend his jacket, ask for another table, or simply wait for you to put up with it? Gestures like these are what make a marriage feel nurturing and safe. And listen to what a person tells you about himself: with these stories he is telling you what he is like when you are not there. Do not wave away anything that makes you inwardly wince; now is the time to clarify the worrying detail and get the full picture.

“These kindnesses are what make marriage feel nurturing and safe.”

He offers one precise sign: the reaction to someone else's good news. It is hard to bear another person's engagement or the birth of their child while you are waiting for your own; that is normal and natural, a reminder of what you lack. But an emotionally healthy person can hold his own discomfort at bay and at the same time genuinely rejoice for the other; that ability is itself the measure of health.

“They can hold their own emotions at bay and share in the joy of others simultaneously.”

She suggests noticing whether the person keeps his word, apologises for being late, and does not shift responsibility and blame. His attitude to the bill, gratitude, calm in the face of small difficulties and the habit of talking about others all matter. One of her questions: how does he react when he is wrong? Constantly putting people down and flaring up over trifles are things she advises not to ignore.

“How do they react when they're wrong?”

In the saying of his that is cited, what is telling is how a person relates to those from whom he expects no benefit: you can easily judge the character of a person by how they treat those who can do nothing for them. The principle is applied to dealings with waiters, drivers and other staff.

“You can easily judge the character of a person by how they treat those who can do nothing for them.”