Should I put life on hold until the wedding, or live fully now, while still searching?
Do not put life on pause: you bring into marriage the person you have become, so now is the time for spiritual growth, chesed, learning, work, interests and taking care of yourself, which makes you both happier and more attractive as a partner. Waiting for the future is not the way of the Torah: each stage has its own purpose, and before marriage a person can fully serve the Creator and grow.
She says not to wait. The best time to enjoy life, take up a hobby, travel, is precisely before marriage, because you bring into marriage the person you have become. Find out what truly absorbs you and use the freedom of youth productively and purposefully: that, she says, brings mazel, while sitting in gloom and waiting does not.
“Find joy in every time and place, and wonder at being alive.”
She suggests doing what both brings joy and raises the chances of meeting your person. First comes spiritual growth: the world and your own well-being rest on Torah, prayer and chesed, and even a Torah scholar needs chesed, the one who helps everyone needs learning, and everyone needs honest, frequent conversation with G-d. Work and self-support build the self-esteem without which there are no healthy relationships; developed talents and learning make a person more interesting and alive; she quotes a well-known rebbetzin that the best beauty advice is education, since it lights up the eyes. Not neglecting the body, moving and eating properly are part of this too. And at the top of the list stands chesed: by giving, you develop the quality that matters most for lifelong love.
“So while continuing to work toward marriage, don't put your life on hold.”
He tells of Benny, 33, a former yeshiva student in a secure but low-paid job, who promised to look for a better position just as soon as he got engaged, and likewise postponed updating his wardrobe, taking care of himself and evening learning with a chavrusa. In therapy it became clear how self-destructive this postponing was: by starting now he would become more attractive as a chassan too. With gentle but firm support Benny added learning, got himself in order, found a better job, and a year and a half later met his wife. The author's conclusion is general: do not put life on hold until the engagement; if something is worth doing later, it is most likely worth doing now.
“just as soon as I get engaged”
He says that waiting for a situation that may arrive in the future is not the way of the Torah; on the contrary, each moment is filled with the purpose proper to it, as it is said: whatever you find within your ability and might to do, do it. And he adds a separate proviso: for all that is said about the loftiness of a woman and the building of a home, one must not diminish the value of a Jewish woman's growth before marriage; each one, at any stage of life, can rise and develop, and her work on inner wisdom, mitzvos and middos matters in its own right before her Father in Heaven.
“Whatever you find within your ability and might to do, do it”
He calls it a gross error to think that anyone is doomed to failure, and outrageous the view that before marriage a person cannot serve the Creator. Sometimes our task is to accomplish what is ours precisely while single; no life is without worth, and a test is not given to someone unable to pass it.
“No life is without worth.”
They write that a woman is created with everything needed for a full relationship with Hashem at any stage of life: in marriage this relationship unfolds through the bond with her husband, but an unmarried woman can develop this closeness too. The strengths are given to be put to use through any relationship, and the lessons about the relationship of husband and wife carry over to all other bonds. The conclusion is the same: whatever your hand finds to do, do it; in any circumstances there is room for both growth and connection.
“This path to spirituality is open to every woman.”
