How do I work out what I actually want — in a spouse, in a home, in family life?

If you've never been married, start from the qualities you value in your closest friends. Don't expect a spouse to replace your best friend — but you should be able to talk with them just as freely and honestly as with a friend. She then offers a questionnaire that forces an honest answer on several scenarios: a spouse wants to know where you are at all times — is that care, controlling behavior, a sign of trust issues, or a standard you'd expect of yourself too; how often, in your view, will your spouse babysit; your spouse is traveling for work, doesn't call all day, and answers your worried texts oddly — what do you actually think in that moment; your spouse has stopped saying 'I love you' daily, you explained that this matters to you — what do you expect to happen next; what does an ideal Sunday look like; and finally — why did your longest relationship really end. She leaves the last answer open and honest: I don't remember, but I need to figure it out before dating further.

“I don't remember, but I understand I need to figure it out before dating further.”

She gives nine questions that draw out one's own values: where did my time and money go this past week; what do the people close to me think matters most in my life — ask them directly; whom do I admire, and what values do those people live by; what would my ideal weekend look like; what do I feel guilty about — 'I should really spend more time on...'; what energizes me and what drains me; what are my goals for the next five to ten years, and what values are behind them; what values were present in the home and community I grew up in, which of them do I want to carry forward, and which do I want to leave behind; how do I picture my best self, now and in the future. This is meant as one connected exercise, not a set of separate ones.

“Where does most of my time and money go?”

His questions are about the home. What do you consider the most important element of a marriage; how do you picture your home, and what role do you see for yourself in it; do your current actions match that goal; are you inclined to rush into decisions or think everything through.

Start with your own nature: where are you strong, where are you weak, what can you bring to the relationship, and what does the other person need to supply. Her own spirituality is people-oriented, while her husband's is oriented toward the Yamim Tovim and prayer, and together their family's religious life turned out rich in both. A partner doesn't have to be everything you aren't, but the most essential supports need to be covered — someone, for instance, has to be paying the bills. Ideally, this is best worked out not alone, but with a mentor who can help clarify who you are and what you need.

“A partner is not obligated to be everything you are not.”

She suggests building a realistic picture of the life you want from what has already happened. Go back over friendships, connections, and experiences: what made you happiest, what caused pain, what left you feeling full, and what left you frustrated; whom do you admire; whose marriage would you want to have. The images that come out of this are like pictures you hang on the wall in the back of your mind: a strong family is one picture, a sensitive spouse and best friend is another. Together they form a gallery worth checking yourself against regularly.

“The images you form from these experiences are like pictures you hang on the wall.”

She runs groups for young women, one of whose goals is precisely to clarify what a person actually wants in a shidduch, and to see marriage and themselves through the eyes of the Torah. In these sessions she works through specifics with them: where would you place a given factor on your list of priorities, and why. And she tells them that young men, though the girls find it hard to believe, are usually worried about much the same things.

“Many girls are deeply troubled by how shidduchim are commonly viewed today.”

Sometimes clarity comes only from one direct question. A mentor asked a young woman: if you had to choose between a talmid chacham and your own creative ambitions, which would you choose? She thought for a long time and answered that she would drop all her projects without a second thought for marriage to a man who loved Torah as much as she did, or more. The mentor praised her courage: the young woman had honestly looked inside herself and found two dreams pulling in different directions. She added that Hashem would give her room for her creativity too: talent is not given for nothing, it just takes the wisdom to put it toward the right things.

“Hashem will find you room for your creativity too, one way or another.”