What is the purpose of marriage and what is a Jewish home built for?different views

Marriage is not reducible to having children: it exists for companionship and for the fullness of life as well. The bride is called 'kallah' — completion. For a marriage to succeed, both spouses must learn to think of the new shared identity more than of their separate former selves. This is not a loss of self but a merging, in which the whole is stronger than the sum of its parts.

“Husband and wife together are greater than each of them alone.”

The main task of a Jewish family is to continue the chain of generations, so that the people of Israel can move toward its purpose. This is the Torah's first mitzvah and the words of the prophet: the world was not created for emptiness, but to be settled. Chana prayed with the same argument: above there are hosts that neither eat, nor bear children, nor die; below are those who eat, bear children, and die — and if I am among those below, then I am meant to bear children. He says that a person's main task in this world is to continue the chain of generations, so that Israel, for whose sake the world was created, can move toward its purpose; this is the meaning of the Torah's first mitzvah, 'be fruitful and multiply,' and of the prophet's words that the world was created not for emptiness but to be settled. Chana made this same argument in her prayer for a child. And he contrasts two attitudes toward entering marriage: entering it in order to rise oneself in Torah and fear of Heaven and to continue the generations of Israel — or entering with motives tied only to this world, without thought for the World to Come. The difference, he stresses, is not in the ceremony but in what a person considers the result. He directly dismisses 'a quiet life' as the answer. The main point, in his words, is fulfilling Hashem's will through the mitzvah of pru u'rvu, and thereby bringing His revelation in the world closer. The home's basic task is to raise generations of G-d-fearing people, who understand that this world is only a stopover and an anteroom before the palace, and to teach children the life of Torah, mitzvos, and fear of Heaven. He points to the order of the three punishments given to Chava, as Rashi explains them: difficulty in raising children is named before the burden of pregnancy and the pain of childbirth. The order seems strange at first — chronologically it happens the other way around. The answer is that raising children is precisely the first and truest goal of marriage, which is why it is placed first.

He reads 'it is not good for man to be alone, I will make him a helper' this way: the good contained in one's relationship to a spouse, on the level of their shared root of soul, is itself the purpose of man's creation. This 'good' is the same thing as cleaving to one another and becoming one.

“This is considered the very purpose of man's creation.”

The first thing he names as a condition for receiving help from Above in the search is a clear hashkafah: understanding what marriage is actually for. The goal is to find a spouse with whom to build a 'bayis ne'eman,' a home where the Shechinah dwells and where a person reaches spiritual wholeness; and to hope and pray that through marriage the Torah's first mitzvah will be fulfilled. The Sefer HaChinuch adds: the world must be settled, and it is specifically through children that all the other mitzvos are fulfilled, since the mitzvos were given to people, not to angels.

“Their goal is to find a spouse with whom to build a bayis ne'eman.”

The most important thing is to build a home on the foundation of Torah and mitzvos. In our time, when many mistake light for darkness and darkness for light, these foundations need to be illuminated by the teachings of Chassidus: a home built on such a foundation runs far less risk of confusing one for the other. He discusses a dispute among the Sages. Rabbi Yosi said, 'I never called my wife my wife, but my home' — expressing that the ultimate purpose of marriage is to fulfill 'be fruitful and multiply' and build a home full of children. But the other Sages called their wives simply 'wives,' because they understood that having a wife — even without children — is a worthy and desired goal in its own right. The Torah bears this out: in the first year of marriage, before there are children yet, a husband is exempted from military service 'so that he may bring joy to his wife,' and from a number of obligations on Yom Tov for the same reason. Rabbi Yosi's level was unique — precisely that height was required of the Kohen Gadol on Yom Kippur, which is why he had to be married.

“The most important thing is to build a Jewish home on the foundation of Torah and mitzvos.”

At the weddings of his descendants, he would tell a parable about a commoner who loved the king but had no access to the palace, and so took a job as the royal stove-tender just to be able to serve the king personally. He tended the fire not for wages but so that the king would be comfortable, and as his only reward he asked for a small opening in the wall of the king's chambers, so he could see the king. Growing old, he could find no one to take on the work with the same love, and so he decided to marry and raise children who would carry on the service. This is what he saw as the purpose of marriage.

“This, my child, is the purpose of marriage: to raise a family and teach it Who Hashem is.”

He calls such definitions a product of galus — a general confusion about the basic concepts of Torah, and marriage is no exception. Some see marriage as the best opportunity to do chesed or to work on their character; others see it as a partnership for raising children requiring ongoing commitment, reducing the couple's relationship to a business arrangement about having children. This misunderstanding of what marriage is about, he says, almost always keeps real marital closeness from blossoming.

“a partnership for the sake of children, requiring the couple's ongoing commitment.”

About the idea that a bride comes to the chuppah to begin 'a new chesed relationship' with her husband, he said with sorrow that this is completely mistaken: if it were really about chesed, what could possibly be improper to say about it? A bride enters marriage for intimacy with her husband — that is exactly what follows from the Sages' own warning on the matter. Building the foundation of a home on a substituted answer means building the wrong thing.

“A bride enters marriage for the sake of intimacy with her husband.”

She names something else as first: having a companion to share life with — and only then, together, raising children and creating a spiritually elevated home where the Shechinah can dwell. She specifically stresses that this holds true for men as well: older bachelors often realize too late what they missed while chasing a Hollywood ideal.

“To create a spiritually elevated home where the Shechinah can dwell.”

This source speaks of what a marriage entered lesheim Shamayim yields: one who marries for the sake of Heaven merits children who save the Jewish people in a time of trouble. Proof is brought from Amram, who married lesheim Shamayim and merited Moshe and Aharon, and from Boaz, who married Rus and merited Dovid and Shlomo.

“Whoever marries lesheim Shamayim will merit children who will save the Jewish people.”