We keep turning down one proposal after another for our child — what are the dangers?

Rav Chaim Kreiswirth passed on Rav Zundel Kroizer's words: parents who reject shidduch after shidduch, and by doing so keep their sons from fulfilling the mitzvah of 'be fruitful and multiply,' bear heavy responsibility for it in the World to Come. This is said in the strong language of an earlier generation, as a warning to parents, not as a verdict on anyone in particular today. The author's own conclusion is softer and more practical: parents should never act as though no one is good enough for their child.

To a father who was resisting a proposed shidduch, protecting not his daughter but his own honor, the Steipler reminded him: no one lives forever, and in the end a person stands before the Heavenly court, where it is plain to see when he acted out of a craving for honor — his own soul testifies against him there. So it would be very, very good if the father dropped his resistance and did not harm his daughter; and about one who overcomes his own evil inclination, Chazal say that all his sins are forgiven. The language here is sharp — it is the style of a letter of its time, addressed to one specific father.

“It will be very, very good if he stops his resistance.”

A mother turned down proposed young women quickly, almost without asking questions, and half a year later her son became engaged to one of them — only through a different shadchan. The author notes: perhaps if the son's resume had gone straight to the young woman's side and she had shown interest, the mother would have looked at the same idea more carefully — half a year sooner. Don't dismiss names without real consideration.

“she rejected my suggestion very quickly, and later decided it was actually a good match.”

Many parents are overly picky with their oldest child: they want something exceptional to be proud of, and along the way reject perfectly suitable proposals. Once they've married off the first and second child, parents begin to understand what actually matters — they become less picky and think longer before saying no.

“with the oldest child, many people are too picky.”

Her grandfather often repeated: don't overvalue yourself and don't undervalue the other person. She also brings a short exchange: Mrs. Young told a shadchan that he simply didn't understand what a wonderful son she had — 'blue chip stock' — and the shadchan answered that the market has been down lately.

“Don't overrate yourself, and don't underrate the other person.”

In an open letter to parents, he writes that many young men, and especially young women, have not merited finding their match, and that the reason is often that a father or mother rejects every proposal without any real cause. Truthfully, he continues, such behavior is entirely forbidden, because there is no greater pain than remaining without a match; the Sages enacted takanos precisely so that the daughters of Israel would not remain unmarried — and here the parents themselves become the cause of their daughter's being alone. No one should take on the role of the one who breaks up their own children's shidduchim.

“such behavior is absolutely forbidden, for there is no greater pain than being left without a match.”

A caution: a respected man from America came to him in tears — his grown, unmarried son was still single. He admitted his own fault: when the proposals first began, he had turned them down one after another over the pettiest reasons, and his son later picked up the same habit and began refusing on his own, always finding some small excuse. By the time of their conversation, not a single shidduch, even a good one, had gone through. The respected man from America wept to him over his unmarried, no-longer-young son and admitted his own guilt: when the proposals came, he rejected them one after another over the smallest reasons, and the son, taking over the process himself, picked up the same habit — even after meeting a girl, he always found a small reason to say no. The author asked to meet the son, spoke with him at length about the purpose of life and the right approach to shidduchim, and then gently asked about the last young woman; the son said she wasn't smart enough. The answer was: is she going to run a huge country? Isn't she smart enough to run a home of a hundred and twenty square meters? They married, live in harmony, have several children, and she runs their home beautifully.

“however good the proposed shidduch looks, it never reaches completion.”

A caution: a father complains that 'there are no proposals,' even though the shadchan's notebook is full of names — simply none of them are good enough for his Mireleh. The mother lists honestly: their daughter wasn't near the top of her class, was a bit heavy, had acne, and the family was plain and without money. The father still insists on the best boy from the best yeshiva, from a rav's or rosh yeshiva's family. The author's lesson: a shidduch is made for the real good of the couple themselves, not to satisfy parents and acquaintances. People with an inflated image of themselves or their child don't see their own flaws, find everyone else's just fine, and won't budge, as Chazal advise in Yevamos — and in the end they leave themselves, or their children, alone for years over trifles.

“Mirele is a treasure, and I won't settle for anyone but the best boy from the best yeshiva.”

Her advice to parents is short: get out of the way. Parents often have different ideals than their children, and it isn't worth listening to those who badmouth a candidate's family — look for a person for your child, not a pedigree. She advises against long lists, believing that the one who is meant to be is already waiting, staying open, and praying that the right messenger brings the right person.

“it's important not to have long lists… believe that your bashert is already waiting for you.”

He said that parents who reject shidduch after shidduch, and by doing so keep their sons from fulfilling the mitzvah, bear heavy responsibility for it in the World to Come, and that parents must not act as though no one is worthy of their child. These are sharp words, spoken as a warning from an earlier generation — not a verdict on a family that today is genuinely and anxiously deciding on behalf of their child.

“Parents should never act as though no one is worthy of their child!”