My parents oppose my shidduch — am I obligated to obey them, and is it wise to build a family against their wishes?different viewsask your rav
By strict halacha, neither a son nor a daughter is obligated to obey their parents in choosing a spouse, and marrying against their wishes does not violate kibud av va'eim — but one must comply if the match itself is unsuitable or if the marriage would bring disgrace on the parents, and where a family holds to a custom of not marrying into a certain circle, a father is entitled to insist on it. Beyond the letter of the law, the advice is to weigh the parents' feelings, to decide together with a rav, and to remember that building a home in discord with one's parents is unwise.
The Rema writes plainly: if a father objects to his son marrying the woman he has chosen, the son is not obligated to obey his father. The Noda BiYehuda extends this to a daughter whose parents object to a particular shidduch as well. In other words, the mitzvah of kibud av va'eim does not require compliance in the choice of a spouse itself.
“if a father objects to his son marrying the woman he has chosen, the son is not obligated to listen to him.”
A parent's blessing matters, but if parents object to a chosen spouse, the law allows a man or woman to marry despite that objection, and this does not violate the mitzvah of honoring parents. He brings the Talmudic example of Rachel, who married Rabbi Akiva against her father's wishes. Approval from both families matters, but Jewish law permits a young couple to marry despite objections from either side. This happened in ancient times too: Yaakov and Rachel met and decided to marry on their own, and the classic example is Rabbi Akiva and his wife Rachel, who married in secret, against her parents' wishes.
“the law permits a man or woman to marry despite such objections.”
He cites the Rema's ruling and adds a practical dimension: it is still worth taking parents' feelings into account in shidduchim. If parents are unhappy with a child's decision and go along only out of having no choice, it tends to bring anger and discord, can damage the young couple's shalom bayis, and can even draw the child into violating kibud av va'eim. So the decision should be made thoughtfully, after consulting a talmid chacham. And of course, if the son's choice would bring disgrace on his father and mother, he is obligated to refrain from such a shidduch.
“a parent's feelings in shidduchim are worth taking into account.”
His answer is short and procedural: whether to go forward with a shidduch that parents absolutely oppose is not something to decide on one's own — a rav must be consulted.
He generally considers it unwise and not good to begin married life against one's parents' wishes. Parents worked hard raising a child and hope to see nachas from them — which is exactly why they don't approve of a shidduch they don't see as suitable for their child. A straightforward, good-hearted young man, the Rebbe adds, would not want to be the cause of a rift between a young woman and her parents. This carries special weight when it concerns the oldest child in a family, whose path in many ways sets an example for the younger ones. At the same time, the Rebbe is careful to say he is not calling for 'sacrificing yourself for your parents' — only that building the foundation of one's life on a feeling of discord, especially with one's parents, is neither fitting nor wise. To a young woman whose father opposed a proposed shidduch, the Rebbe laid out a step-by-step plan: after Sukkos, tell her father that she is interested in the proposal; if he still refuses, as before, call the young man and tell him so, and, if she is so inclined, add that she would like to continue the shidduch regardless, and that if he is interested too, she will move forward without her parents' approval. And once the young man agreed, she should inform her father of her decision and ask him to act graciously. The Rebbe promised to remember her in prayer at the tziyun. He speaks here not of a halachic obligation but of plain good sense: as a rule, beginning married life against parents' wishes is unwise and not advisable. Parents worked and invested in raising their children and hope to receive nachas from them — which is why they don't approve of a shidduch they don't see as right for their child. The Rebbe specifically clarifies he does not mean 'sacrifice yourself for your parents': the point is that laying the foundation of your own life on a feeling of discord — especially with parents — is neither fitting nor wise. This holds true in general, but matters especially when it concerns a firstborn child, whose behavior, to some extent, becomes an example for the other children in the family.
“it is not good to lay the foundation of one's life on broken hearts.”
On matters of love and marriage, rabbanim agree that a person is not obligated to submit to a parent's will. But it is still wise to listen and truly hear their opinion — it may contain something you cannot see yourself. The decision, though, remains yours: the obligation of obedience does not extend to this choice.
“when it comes to love, the rabbis agree: you are not obligated to obey your parents' will.”
To a twenty-five-year-old bochur on the verge of engagement, whose mother, after meeting the young woman, announced she was against it — even though he himself very much wanted to marry her and there was nothing wrong with her — Rav Chaim opened the Shulchan Aruch to the laws of kibud av va'eim, where the Rema writes that in matters of shidduchim a person is not obligated to obey parents, and wished him mazel tov and a bracha vehatzlacha. Elsewhere he draws a distinction: in choosing a yeshiva, one can assume a father judges better what suits his son, but a shidduch depends on the person's own feelings, and no such presumption applies there.
“when it comes to shidduchim, a person is not obligated to obey their parents.”
He explains why Yitzchak could nonetheless directly command Yaakov not to take a wife from the daughters of Canaan: if an entire family holds to a custom of not marrying into a certain circle, a father is entitled to tell his son to keep that family standard — just as, in the Gemara, relatives are entitled to object when one of their own breaks a family custom. The Avos guarded this boundary too — Avraham gave Eliezer the same instruction — so it was a family practice, and Yitzchak's command was lawful. The Chasam Sofer wonders why the poskim don't cite this.
Discussing a case where a young woman wants to marry a talmid chacham and her parents will not accept such a marriage, he brings the ruling of the Ish U'Beiso: she is not obligated to obey them. In other words, a parent's 'no,' by itself, does not disqualify a suitable match.
He immediately sets a limit on this leniency. The Sefer Chassidim clarifies: one may disregard parents' objection only when the proposed match is itself suitable; if the match is unsuitable, their objection must be followed. And the Meshiv Davar adds: a child is obligated to refrain from a union that would bring disgrace on the parents.
