How lavish should the vort be -- modest or grand -- and who pays for it?different views

He very strongly encouraged celebrating the vort modestly, without display.

“The Rebbe strongly encouraged celebrating the vort modestly, without display.”

Asked whether to hold the tenaim in a large hall with a crowd of guests, he answered in a letter: this is certainly wrong. Such a celebration later brings the couple a great deal of pain, because what's done for show doesn't succeed; it also pulls bochurim and roshei yeshiva away from their learning and spends money needed elsewhere -- this custom should be done away with. He brings the Gemara: what should a person do to live? He should consider himself dead, meaning, stay humble; one who elevates himself brings on ayin hara and jealousy. One who holds back from self-importance will merit nachas from his descendants.

“everything done for show does not succeed.”

The vort is the first of the wedding-related customs, and the hardest to reform. The couple wants everyone to know about the engagement, but a large celebration with food, flowers, and music is a huge expense of time and money: the chassan's friends are pulled from their learning, older people from their shiurim and families, and friends are burdened. A sensible approach is a spontaneous lechaim for immediate family and close friends, ideally at the kallah's home, though even that means fighting convention. If this first step isn't kept, the rest of the customs likely won't be kept either.

“a spontaneous lechaim for immediate family and close friends — at the kallah's home.”

A caution: he describes a typical scenario. Parents have just gotten their oldest daughter engaged, and right away comes the question, "when's the lechaim?"; lists are drawn up, tables, cakes, music, and a photographer are booked, "immediate family" balloons to a hundred people, and then everyone is also invited to a lavish vort attended by hundreds, many just briefly, with the food left untouched. The bill runs several thousand dollars, and the father starts dipping into savings, without even thinking yet about the expenses still to come.

“‘immediate family’ somehow balloons to a hundred-odd people.”

There's no standard: from a living room or a neighbor's apartment (women in one apartment, men in the next) with homemade food, all the way to a hall with catering, a band, and a photographer -- a "mini-wedding." Some families skip such a celebration altogether. Usually the girl's side hosts and pays, and the boy's side traditionally sends a nice bouquet. She advises asking friends and neighbors -- they're happy to help.

“The engagement party is usually hosted (and paid for) by the girl's side.”