How often should a chosson and kallah meet and speak before the wedding, and what should they talk about?different viewsask your rav

In an instruction relayed by Rav Y.L. Groner, the Rebbe advises meeting and speaking by phone no more than once a week; less frequent contact is also acceptable by this guidance. This is an instruction given to an engaged couple, not a rule the Rebbe set on his own for every stage of dating. To Rav Leib Groner, before his own wedding, the Rebbe answered briefly: meet once a week and speak once a week, and the less the better; in the same spirit, the Shulchan Aruch HaRav directs that meetings between chosson and kallah be kept to a minimum. As relayed by Elana Bergovoy, the same advice was once a week, with matters like viewing an apartment kept to a minimum and settled by phone — and the shorter the engagement, the fewer the occasions for friction with in-laws. To Reb Simche Werner, when he was a chosson, the Rebbe spoke more sharply: frequent meetings between chosson and kallah during the engagement run against the spirit of Yiddishkeit, and even more so against Chassidus. He advises meeting or speaking by phone no more than once a week, preferring less frequent contact still. In private replies he sometimes directed a chosson to go learn in another city, and he did not favor a trip abroad for a visit, both because of the expense and because of his general advice to reduce meetings. The accompanying account also suggests limits on texting and correspondence.

“Don't meet or speak by phone more than once a week — and if it's less often, that's fine too.”

In talks and letters to a couple preparing to build a home on yiras Shamayim and love of Torah, he gives the main place to the practical order of daily life — prayer, brachos, keeping the halachos, and good surroundings. Whichever of the two is stronger in these matters should support the other.

“The stronger one should encourage the weaker one.”

Eighty-year-old Rav Dovid Baharan himself climbed to the upper floor to reach the chosson's family, his granddaughter's intended, with a single request. He knew it was customary among the chosson's friends and in his yeshiva to visit the kallah during this period, and he asked him to set that custom aside for the custom of his own family, which they took seriously — not to meet before the wedding. The chosson agreed readily, the couple kept the sanctity of their bond until the chuppah, and they built a lasting Jewish home. Rav Rabinowitz adds that the Torah leaders of every generation disapproved of such meetings, and that today's fashion for frequent, lengthy dates during the engagement is a serious mistake: time spent together should be kept to a minimum. The Torah leaders of every generation did not approve of meetings between chosson and kallah between the engagement and the wedding, and condemned the practice. Today it has become common to meet many times and spend long stretches together — he calls this a serious mistake. Time together, he writes, should be kept to a minimum.

“Please, give up this custom of your friends and your yeshiva.”

Meet at most once every three weeks. He advises that after the engagement, the couple meet and talk as rarely as possible. In his observation, frequent, idle contact lessens seriousness and respect and can plant doubts about a shidduch already chosen; restraint supports the foundation of the future home.

He does not go so far as to require that a couple not meet at all, as is customary among chassidim, though he believes that would be best — simply because they would not listen to him anyway. There are already enough practical meetings — shopping, signing an apartment lease, the accepted Shabbos visits — with no need to add more. To an engaged couple who complain of missing each other, he answers: that is exactly the point — I want you to miss each other, because it makes you more likely to be wanted by each other, while frequent meetings make you start noticing only flaws. The Steipler said he did not know why meetings during the engagement cause harm; Rav Diamant offers his own explanation: chosson and kallah are not yet truly open with each other — and thank G-d for that — but each is sure they already are, and every conversation is full of guesswork like 'he'll think I meant…,' from which quarrels later flare up over things no one actually said. In practice, most chassanim and kallahs are not nearly as happy during the engagement as people assume.

About thirty years ago, on Rosh Chodesh Adar, Rav Diamant came to the Steipler with a bochur who was finishing a shidduch, and wrote down his words the moment he left the room. The Steipler asked that the couple meet as rarely as possible between the engagement and the wedding, adding that he himself did not know why, but that this was so: every word after the wedding draws a couple closer, while every meeting after the engagement leads to estrangement.

She notes that everyone should follow their own rav's guidance, but explains why rabbanim advise an engaged couple against spending much time together. The first reason is to avoid quarrels: tension is high, big decisions lie ahead, both are nervous about the change coming to their lives, and there is no reason to give either one cause for second thoughts. The second is tznius: you are already close, but not yet married, the natural boundaries between unmarried people are weaker, and the chance for improper acts, words, or thoughts should be kept to a minimum.

“Rabbanim advise an engaged couple against spending a lot of time together.”