Is signing up with shadchanim and waiting enough — what does «making an effort» actually mean?different views
Simply registering with shadchanim and waiting is not enough: real effort means approaching a good, well-connected shadchan, friends and relatives, and a circle of people who know you personally, and giving a precise description of who you're looking for — while remembering that the outcome depends on Hashem and that the intention itself has value. At the same time, excessive investigating creates confusion: in one story, after a long wait, a single call to a trusted acquaintance was all it took.
He considers it not enough to just register with matchmakers and wait. It matters to meet people and build a circle of those who know you personally and will keep you in mind for suitable proposals. The goal is to go into thoughtful meetings that have a real basis for getting acquainted.
“Gather a team of helpers around you.”
Building on a thought of Rabbeinu Yonah, he suggests that even an ordinary call to a shadchan should be made with awareness that the outcome depends on Hashem. Done with that intention, the act itself carries spiritual value, even if the call doesn't lead to a proposal. This is about the value of the intention, not a guarantee of a practical result from every call.
“If we had Hashem in mind, we get the reward for an act done with awareness of Him.”
In his letters, the Rebbe explains natural effort as approaching a good, well-connected shadchan, friends, and relatives. The matchmaker needs to be told precisely what kind of person is being sought. In one personal reply, he adds strengthening one's observance, checking one's tefillin, and giving a few coins to help a kallah before putting them on, without taking on a vow.
“Look for a suitable shidduch with the help of friends, relatives, and the like.”
Comparing the stories of Adam and Noach, he ties finding a match to active effort. 'If a person says, I toiled and found — believe him.' In his reading, simply being aware that you lack a match is not yet enough.
In this story, after half a year without a single proposal, he reassured his wife by trusting in Hashem's plan. When a proposal did come, he limited himself to one call to a trusted acquaintance, followed by the families meeting and then the young couple meeting. 'The more inquiries and investigating a person does, the more confusion he creates.' The story ends in a successful marriage, but it does not describe giving up on effort altogether.
