I'm terrified before a date -- is that normal, and what do I do about it?
Feeling nervous before a date is normal -- it's a natural reaction to a new situation, and it can be reframed as excited anticipation; be gentle with yourself and breathe calmly. Preparation helps take away the unknown: the route, the meeting place, a couple of conversation topics; and if the anxiety is so strong it keeps you from showing up, it's worth getting help.
She explains sweaty palms and a racing mind as a protective response kicking in for a new social situation. This lets you avoid seeing the nervousness itself as a sign of failure. She advises treating yourself with compassion, seeing part of the nervousness as anticipation, moving around a little, and breathing calmly and deeply. She also reminds us that the waiting is often harder than the event itself.
“It's not a sign that something is wrong; it's just your brain doing its overly protective job.”
He suggests calling the state anticipation instead of trying to convince yourself you're completely calm. His reasoning: "reframe the emotion as excited anticipation, because physiologically fear and excitement are the same." This is how he describes a way of reappraising the emotion.
A caution: a young man admitted that being told the girl was so perfect made him "so nervous that he didn't show up for the date." The author considers a moderate stage-fright-type nervousness understandable and sometimes even useful. If it becomes excessive, it's reasonable to seek help and get to the bottom of the causes, since avoidance can make fear worse.
In the story, the parents were alarmed by their daughter's anxiety, and the mentor explained it as unfamiliarity with spending time with a young man outside the family. Her main effort was to lower the sense of threat.
“I assured them that this kind of anxiety is completely normal.”
The shadchan in the story helps with clear directions and the meeting place. He points out that it's a well-known large hotel, easy to find, and says, "you won't miss it." Concrete details reduce the unknown for someone new to this.
The author suggests thinking through the route, parking, and possible snags in advance, and having a contact in case of delay. A few topics, stories, or jokes can help get the conversation going.
“Always have the phone number of the person you're meeting, in case a problem comes up beforehand.”
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