What should we talk about on the first meeting?ask your rav
On early dates, a light, warm conversation about family, school, work, interests, Shabbos, and travel works best: listen carefully and notice whether you simply enjoy talking to each other, without trying to test compatibility on everything right away. Deeper topics -- outlook, aspirations, personal and family matters -- are learned gradually on later dates, and among the most important, the Jewish character of the future home is always discussed thoroughly.
She suggests topics like family, school, work, travel, interests, languages, and everyday habits. This choice helps start the conversation without immediately trying to settle everything about marriage.
“The topics in this section keep the early conversation simple and light.”
In a letter he suggests that the young couple spoke about Yiddishkeit, Torah, mitzvos, and running a home. This note concerns the content of dates in general and doesn't establish that every detail needs to be settled on the very first evening.
He stresses the need to thoroughly discuss the future way of life, in fear of Hashem.
“One needs to thoroughly discuss every detail relating to conduct in yiras Shamayim.”
For early dates she advises avoiding overly heavy topics, listening carefully, and being warm. Her guidelines are up to two hours, no more than twice a week, so there's time to process the emotions.
“Above all, be warm.”
She recommends pleasant, light conversation without controversial topics or deep intrusion into private life. Work, hobbies, Shabbos, Yom Tov, and travel all work well.
“Let it be pleasant, simple, and without delving into the personal.”
The author of the letter describes a gradual getting-to-know-you, starting with light conversation about studies, activities, and experience. Even there, much is revealed through "politeness, attentiveness, refinement of speech, sense of humor." For him these are signs of possible compatibility.
She advises using this time to find out whether you get along, leaving heavier topics for later. You can prepare a few topics in advance, and if there's a lull, you can turn to your surroundings; silence itself doesn't prove there's no future in it.
“The responsibility for keeping the conversation flowing rests on both of you.”
In his account, the first date is devoted to home, studies, work, and interests, with both sides talking about themselves. Later on it's worth learning about outlook, aspirations, and character traits.
“Great care must be taken so the meeting doesn't turn into something like an interrogation.”
She compares getting to know someone to peeling back layers gradually: first, comfort being together, then growing used to each other, and by the third date, discussing personal, family, and medical matters. Her advice includes medications and thinking about the possibility of a shared home.
“Dates are like peeling the layers off an onion.”
He objects to trying to test compatibility right away on every philosophical level. What matters first is whether the natural tone and atmosphere of ordinary conversation feel pleasant.
“Most of life with a spouse isn't about the Ramban — it's about cucumbers, tomatoes, and the weather.”
