What do you talk about on a first shidduch date? Questions for dates 1–2

Keep your expectations realistic and do not load the first impression with too much weight: dating is a process of discovery, not perfection.

Be yourself, enjoy the meeting and keep an open mind; awkward moments happen.

Go with the thought that this may be your future spouse, and do not compare with other suggestions right now — that is how the date gets a real chance.

Her bitachon (trust) formula: Hashem will not let you miss your bashert if you date properly.

Open by asking how they know the person who set you up — it also shows how well the matchmaker knows each of you.

Then light topics — interests, activities, favourite holiday — with a follow-up such as why, or when the last time was.

If you do not know how to start, notice something around you and invite the other person to respond; the goal is not wit but simply a warm, positive exchange.

The skill can be practised in ordinary small talk with anyone.

Work, leisure, Shabbos, the holidays and travel — a pleasant conversation with no controversial topics and no digging into private life.

Keep it pleasant, simple and surface-level.

Family, school, work, travel, interests, languages and daily habits — topics that keep the initial conversation simple and light.

This set lets the conversation start without settling everything about marriage at once.

On the first meeting — home, studies, work and interests, each telling the other about themselves; the way of thinking and aspirations are for later dates.

Great care should be taken that the meeting is not turned into a kind of interrogation.

Do not try to check compatibility on every philosophical level on the first date — first see whether the tone and feel of ordinary conversation is pleasant.

Most of life with a spouse is not about a Ramban, but about cucumbers, tomatoes, and the weather.

On the first dates avoid topics that are too heavy, listen carefully and, most of all, be warm.

Her guide: up to two hours, and no more than twice a week, so there is time to process the emotions.

For now, find out whether you get along and leave the heavy topics for later; you can prepare a few subjects, and in a pause turn to the surroundings.

Silence itself does not prove there is no future, but the responsibility for a flowing conversation rests on both of you.

"What are your favorite shabbos recipes?" — behind this everyday question are his childhood home and the Shabbos table he pictures for himself.

You can also ask whether there are dishes he would like you to cook and whether he grew up on that food.

"What do you do to replenish your mind, body, and spirit?" — and what can bring a smile on the hardest day.

This shows where the person draws strength from and where the line of his expectations of you runs.

What is the best advice you have ever received, and from whom? The answer shows whether the person listens to others and what he considers important.

An answer that nobody ever gave him good advice she reads as a sign of pride or of living in complete oblivion.

It is smart to avoid name-dropping your friends until you know the person better: a friend's reputation you do not know about can create an unwanted association.

By the same logic she limits early, detailed questions about whom the siblings married to the case where you suspect a fitting shared connection.

A shidduch is not supposed to take the form of an interview or interrogation: besides serious values, you need to hear each other in simple talk about everyday things.

That is how you find out whether you are comfortable together.

Ask open-ended questions, not "yes" or "no" questions: what do you usually do on Shabbos, what is interesting in your work, why did you choose it.

For a pause, keep a joke, a story or a dvar Torah ready in advance.

Prepare three or four topics in advance so that in an awkward silence you have something to fall back on.

In an awkward silence it is hard to invent a topic on the spot, so the preparation must come before the date.

If you want the person to open up, share yours first: you may have to tell your own most embarrassing moment before asking about his.

That shows reciprocity rather than demanding candour from the other side only.

Let the person finish, do not answer with a mechanical me-too and do not try to top his experience — and watch what is not said out loud: glances at the watch, at the door.

In her story the young man worked hard to entertain the girl, missed her closed posture, and was surprised by the refusal.

A reasonable number of questions is fine: general ones first, more personal ones later. It is a conversation, not a cross-examination.

You also need your own stories and to help the other person through awkward moments; lashon hara and sarcasm are out.

"Which character trait defines you best?" — one of his questions about motivation, role models, leisure, dreams and difficulties.

Such questions invite the person to describe how he usually acts.

"You don't need a pre-planned list of questions!" — raise the topics that matter naturally and respectfully, with open questions about memories, dreams and experiences.

What matters is showing that you want to understand the person, not to collect data.

From Eliezer's example: weigh every word and speak only of what is needed at that moment — after the Mishnah in Avos, "don't speak excessively with women".

He explains even the absence of a question about Rivka's name by this restraint.

All the details that concern conduct in yiras shamayim must be talked through well — the future home discussed thoroughly.

He stresses the need to discuss the future home's conduct in fear of Heaven thoroughly.