What does 'bashert' mean: is there only one destined match for me, and is everything decided in advance?different views
Bashert is a signal from Above that two souls fit each other, not a ready-made, guaranteed ideal: whether they actually come together and hold the marriage together depends on the choices, merits, and effort of the people themselves, and everyone rejects rigid fatalism.
The word is Yiddish and is used two ways. As an adjective -- about anything that clearly happened through Divine providence; as a noun -- about the match destined for a person. In other words, "bashert" isn't a mystical feeling, but a statement that an event or a person came about through providence.
“as a noun — the soulmate destined for a person.”
Bashert is usually pictured this way: before you were born, Hashem went through millions of options and said, "here is the perfect match." Rav Shafier writes that it isn't quite so. The couple began as two halves of one whole, but in their current state they're very different: raised in different homes, with different values and temperaments, one a man and one a woman. The task is to learn to live in peace and harmony and to overcome what stands between them, and that's far from simple.
“But that's not quite how it works.”
She brings the teaching that every person has six bashert and one true soulmate. Each bashert stands on their own spiritual level, and the highest level is the soulmate; most people marry a bashert, not a soulmate. The more a person works on their spiritual side, the higher they climb their own ladder, and the higher the match available to them. Sometimes two people don't meet precisely because they stand on different levels.
“Most people marry their bashert, not their soulmate.”
The Shibolei HaLeket writes that the bas kol doesn't rule that this young man must marry this young woman -- it announces that these two souls suit each other. Whether they actually marry depends heavily on their choices: how they live and what they choose along the way. The Rambam adds that a person sometimes needs a certain merit to be worthy of his destined match, and whether he acquires it is up to him.
“it announces that these two souls suit one another.”
He brings two explanations. The first, in the name of the mekubalim, following the Anaf Yosef: the Gemara says both that a spouse is set before conception and that a person receives a wife according to his deeds, and this is reconciled by saying that in Eretz Yisrael a person receives his destined zivug, while outside the Land he receives the one he has earned. The second is the Steipler, who said it was clear to him that the announcement "the daughter of so-and-so is for so-and-so" is not a sentence of the inevitable but points to the right and suitable zivug; if a person directs his efforts toward that marriage, the path will be relatively easy and helped from Above, but he remains free to choose otherwise or not to marry at all. Rav Savitz himself explains why the voice announces the match every day rather than once: the true match is set from the outset, but people's daily choices require constant adjustments.
“This is the definition of the right and fitting zivug for a person.”
He answers briefly and to the point: there is, in principle, no such thing as an event that is both predetermined from Above and unchangeable. As for choosing a life partner, the Sages in the Talmud and in the Zohar concluded that Hashem's mercy can overturn the decree -- and then what was destined is fulfilled in a later reincarnation.
He explains that the concept of "bashert" doesn't mean a guaranteed perfect match. The Talmud does say that forty days before the fetus is formed it's announced who will marry whom, but other sources call for rethinking that: a bashert isn't necessarily a perfect match, and a bashert can be lost. The Rambam, in effect, rejects a fatalistic reading, and the Rebbe, citing the Rambam, points out that a leaning toward a bashert may exist, but free will is also needed -- and that's what makes it possible to search for the best possible spouse. The Talmud explicitly requires that a prospective couple meet and check whether they suit each other.
“There may be an inclination toward one's bashert, but free will is needed too.”
He opens by stating that everyone's spouse is predetermined by the Creator before birth, and shows that the Sages derive this from all three sections of Tanach: from the Torah, in the words about Yitzchak and Rivka; from the Prophets, in the account of Shimshon's marriage; from the Writings, in the words about a wise wife. They also teach that forty days before the fetus is formed, a heavenly voice announces who is paired with whom.
“House and wealth are inherited from one's fathers, but a wise wife is from Hashem.”
He brings the Zohar: before descending into this world, the neshama consists of a male and a female part; Hashem splits it in two and places the halves in a boy and a girl, and when the time for marriage comes, He joins them back into one. He raises the obvious question himself: what if the two halves live on opposite ends of the world? And he answers with Chazal's words "bas ploni le-ploni": Hashem not only decides in advance who belongs to whom, but also arranges the whole chain of events that will bring them to each other.
“Hashem not only prepares in advance who will be a person's match. He also arranges all the events.”
A different reading is offered here, and Rav Savitz himself calls it a radical innovation: the predetermination of a bashert refers not to a specific woman, but to the daughter of a certain man. Which of that future father-in-law's daughters the chassan marries remains his own choice.
“The predetermination of a bashert relates not to a specific woman, but to the daughter of a particular man.”
