Yichud and negiah on shidduch dates: where may we meet — restaurant, park, hotel lobby, car?

What is yichud, and when does being alone together become forbidden?

A man and a woman alone in a closed room that no one can suddenly enter; in this general explanation, an unlocked door means it is not yichud.

With whom may a man not be alone in a room for more than five minutes?

As a general rule, with no woman other than his mother, daughter, sister or wife, whatever her age or marital status; the one exception is when his own wife is with him.

How many minutes alone already count as yichud?

The measure is the time it takes to cook and eat an egg; in minutes, between one and a half and seven. But that is for strangers: people who know each other are forbidden even a minute.

May a man step into an elevator where a woman is already riding?

In this answer the minimum period that constitutes yichud is five minutes, so one may enter the elevator of a twenty-storey building: the ride is shorter than that.

Must the door stand open, or is it enough that it could be opened from outside?

The door need not physically stand open: if someone outside could open it at any time, there is no full seclusion.

Is there yichud in a forest or on a deserted highway, where there are no doors?

The prohibition applies around the clock. At night a place with no doors can be secluded, and by day the same goes for a forest, a desert or an empty highway — what decides is whether people can appear.

We know each other well from study or work — is seclusion allowed even for a short while?

No: for strangers the rule allows for the minutes needed to break the ice; for people who study or work together and know each other, that barrier is gone, and seclusion is forbidden even for the shortest time.

Does a camera help when nobody can enter the office without ringing?

In the case discussed, yes — if different reliable Jews watch the feed and the camera cannot be switched off; recording helps further. For the owner, who could switch it off, it does not work.

Where should we meet — and which places are ruled out?

Either in a home where shomrim (chaperones) are present or in a public area; at home the door is left unlocked, and as a stringency ajar. Deserted parks, forests, secluded places out of town and late-night drives together are ruled out.

Is a hotel lobby a fitting place to meet?

He criticises the habit of meeting in Manhattan hotel lobbies: many follow it against their own sense of dignity. He cites a European rebbetzin in support.

Which places keep giving you new things to talk about?

Her examples are a walk along the waterfront or in a park, a hotel lounge, a do-it-yourself city tour; the common test is surroundings that keep handing you new topics.

How do we choose a meeting place comfortable for both of us?

Weigh each one's preference, the ease of getting there, the atmosphere and whether you can hear each other. Meeting at home suits when both want it; do not insist against the other's wish.

How do dates differ between America and Eretz Yisroel?

In the Litvish circles he describes in America, the young man speaks briefly with the girl's parents at home and then drives her to the date; in Eretz Yisroel both usually make their own way to a prearranged place, such as a hotel lobby.

Does a taxi ride by day, or a drive out of town at night, count as yichud?

A daytime taxi ride through the city is not yichud; a ride at night, or along an empty road outside the city, is. Tinted windows and curtains that hide the interior add a further problem.

What did Rav Moshe Feinstein, Rav Yaakov Kamenetsky and Rav Wosner permit about driving together?

He relays Rav Moshe Feinstein's strict approach even by day; Rav Yaakov Kamenetsky permitted a night drive only with the dome light on; Rav Wosner and Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach allowed driving on an open road.

Do individual differences in response cancel the common standard of negiah?

Touch can change the character of a relationship and awaken attraction; people respond differently, but that does not undo the single standard the Sages set for all.

Is the prohibition of touch from the Torah or rabbinic, and how serious a transgression is it?

The poskim dispute whether the prohibition is from the Torah or rabbinic, but all sides treat affectionate touch as a serious transgression.

What harm does premature physical intimacy do?

She sees it as the last step, one that needs the other foundations of a relationship under it; focusing on it early keeps those foundations from being built.

If touch matters so much to a person, why abstain from it while dating?

Touch is a basic way of bonding and feeling safe; that is exactly why it has its time and place, and abstaining while dating lets you judge the person without being physically drawn in too soon.

Why are observant communities careful about physical closeness before the wedding?

Physical closeness heightens emotion and gets in the way of judging a person calmly; that is how he explains the accepted caution. His short explanation is not a statement of the prohibition itself.

Is there any heter (permission) for a chassan and kallah (groom and bride) to be secluded or to touch?

There is no heter and no source that permits a chassan and kallah to be secluded or to touch — even through clothing; before the wedding they should meet only in open places, in view of others.

Does being engaged bring any leniency in yichud and negiah?

The opposite: after the engagement these laws call for even more care; being engaged gives no permission whatsoever to be lax or lenient.

Until when do all the restrictions apply to an engaged couple?

All the restrictions of yichud and physical contact between men and women are in full effect for an engaged couple until after the chuppah.