I was rejected after a shidduch date — is something wrong with me? Self-esteem, anxiety, therapy

I was turned down — does that mean something is wrong with me?

People are refused for anything and for its opposite: some for not being pretty enough, others for being too pretty; for too little intelligence and for too much; for being too tall and too short, poor and rich. No one wants anybody who is "too" anything — yet no one wants mediocre.

Do I need to change something about myself after a refusal?

You are still a wonderful person — you are simply not their bashert, and there is no need to change your personality or your needs; what is mourned is not the person but the fantasy of what might have been. But if the pain drags on for years and repeats, a pattern lies behind it that must be looked at separately.

So it was not bashert — why does that not comfort me?

The phrase is true — and yet it has never comforted anyone. The first thing to do is acknowledge the disappointment: a refusal can be a crushing blow to the self-esteem of even a very confident person; by acknowledging the right to these feelings you begin to heal the wound rather than paper over it with the right words.

What does someone else's refusal actually say?

Not about your worth, but about the other person's preferences and circumstances, which you do not control. Read the refusal not as defeat but as redirection: now you can reset and direct your energy differently.

Can an engagement that fell through turn out for the best?

About himself: in 1936, aged twenty-two, he was on the verge of an engagement in Brisk, and it did not happen — he was very disappointed. Married, he would have had no reason to leave Brisk and would most likely have shared the fate of nearly all its Jews; Heaven arranged that the shidduch should not work out, and he had to flee the draft to Switzerland.

Is a refusal a sign that Hashem is against me?

When Rus lost her first husband it probably seemed her life was over — yet that very loss led her to marry Boaz. Often what looks like a painful rejection turns out to be a loving redirection; learning to see it is work of its own, and it does not cancel the pain at the moment the refusal comes.

What do I tell myself when I am turned down?

"Boruch Hashem": you were spared spending time and energy on someone who is not your bashert. The goal is not for everyone to say yes, but to find the person meant for you.

I keep getting rejected at the same stage. What am I doing wrong?

For Bayla everything ended after the first date — the cause turned out to be a monotone voice with no expression; after voice and intonation exercises she was asked on a second date. Another client laid out his whole health history on the first dates: vulnerability opens in stages — first make sure you like each other.

What is behind the polite formula of a personality clash?

By her surveys — most often one thing: the person was rude and came across as a jerk. Hence an unpleasant but useful self-check — more honest to do it before going on more dates.

What is healthy self-esteem, and why does it matter in shidduchim?

Not feeling good about yourself but being good, capable and worthy of love, and acknowledging it. Do not measure yourself by advertising and glossy magazines, and compare yourself with no one unless the comparison inspires growth; like attracts like — your match will most likely have the same strength or fragility of self-esteem.

I feel bad about myself and keep dwelling on it. How do I get out of this spiral?

Negative self-esteem is not a feeling you can do nothing about but a belief system about yourself: reach the thoughts lodged deep down, see that they are false, and they can be dispelled. And what leads out of the spiral is attention to others — chesed for a family in need or, if getting up today is impossible, at least a message that you are thinking of them.

My self-esteem is low. Where do I begin?

With the very simple: enough sleep, movement, proper food; knowing yourself — what I can bear and what I cannot; and getting outside help when needed. And do not call yourself "stupid" after a mistake — that is the yetzer hara's trick of making you see yourself through the lens of your failures; speak to yourself gently and have compassion for yourself.

Can confidence be built if I simply do not have it?

Yes, through action: acknowledge your strengths and past successes; set small achievable goals; step out of your comfort zone and treat failures as growth; look after your body — sleep, food, movement; surround yourself with supportive people; note even small progress. It is a gradual process that takes patience.

My self-esteem and moods go up and down — does my worth fall with them?

No: even when you feel simply terrible, your feelings suffer but your worth is untouched. For many, self-esteem rises and falls with circumstances; stability comes when the Torah's view of your worth is internalised — then outside circumstances cannot take it away.

Will marriage solve my low moods and anxiety?

No: people with emotional difficulties often believe marriage will fix everything, but it almost never does — the difficulties remain and grow, because they begin to affect the relationship. Marriage cures neither low mood, nor anxiety, nor low self-esteem; the only thing that marriage cures is being single.

I have depression or anxiety. Should I put dating on hold until I have dealt with it?

The line is whether you are coping with life: if you hold down a job, keep up relationships and manage everyday life, that in itself is no reason to give up dating. But entering marriage with unresolved difficulties is costly — marriage is not a hospital where you go to get cured; deal with the serious things before the wedding.

Wait out a hard stretch — or deal with it?

Do not brush off depression, anxiety, hopelessness, low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy: they undermine your very ability to show your best side. If the feelings are temporary, they can be waited out; if they drag on, they must be dealt with — and then move on.

Is it shameful to take medication for anxiety?

When anxiety and tension keep you from living normally, it is reasonable to see a therapist and consider medication: a drug chosen by a knowledgeable doctor or psychiatrist makes a person calmer and better able to withstand pressure. People rarely admit it, but such medication is widely used, and there should be no shame in it.

Can I take a pill to make dating easier?

Not behind a doctor's back: a girl got an antidepressant through a gemach (free-loan fund) without a single appointment — the drug calmed her but only masked the anxiety; a mother begged a drug from her own doctor for her daughter, not knowing it could deepen depression. Anxiety is treated by a professional, not drowned out.

When should I see a therapist — and when is it time to stop?

Go — if you want to look inward: are there inner reasons or habitual ways of behaving worth understanding and changing; a qualified, Torah-true therapist can help, and often a short stretch of work is enough. And someone long in therapy who feels it has stalled should consider changing therapists or ending treatment.

Can a therapist 'help me get married'?

He honestly does not take on that goal: you could simply get married on your own right now, but what you need is a happy marriage, which requires the input of a person neither you nor he knows yet. Realistic goals are those within your power: understand what is in the way now and improve your style, manner and mindset on dates.

I am being treated by a psychologist or psychiatrist. When do I say so in shidduchim?

For comparatively mild conditions — personally, when the relationship turns serious but before anyone is fully attached. For more serious ones — earlier: if the condition will almost certainly interfere with normal life or the relationship, it must be said before the first meeting; if it is well controlled by medication — not necessarily in advance, but before emotional attachment.

Would it be better to hide therapy so as not to 'ruin the shidduch'?

Stigma and obsessive information-gathering create problems that far outweigh the benefit: relatives talk people out of medication and therapy for the sake of "a good shidduch", treatment is dropped early, many do not seek help at all for fear of not getting married. In the end solvable difficulties surface later and touch the next generation.

Before the engagement I am gripped by fear that this may be a mistake. Is that normal?

In many cases it is an ordinary feeling, unconnected with the particular person and caused by the responsibility of marriage itself; you can test it by talking with friends who recently married and went through the same stage. All the more so if you yourself respect this person and want to see him.

And if the anxiety at the thought of a proposal is very strong?

There should be no high anxiety at the idea of a proposal: you need to feel calm and confident, not swamped by emotion. If it is the opposite — do not get engaged; go to someone for clarity; do not count on things clearing up by themselves under the chuppah.