Great person, but no spark — can attraction grow in a shidduch?
Each item is a question our readers ask and a short answer from one rav, shadchan or author. The sources disagree here, and that is shown. The full answer is one link away.
25 pointsask your ravdifferent views
Must there be love before the wedding
- 1.
Everything fits, but there is no attraction or feeling yet. Can I move forward?
After one or two meetings without a clear feeling — meet again to clarify; in our generation there must be at least the beginning of mutual attraction, and the measure is how your attitude changes from the first meeting to the last, not the same number of dates for everyone.
the Lubavitcher Rebbeask your ravdifferent viewsa personal answer - 2.
Must there be an emotional pull before engagement?
In the reply as recorded — no: feelings grow strong after the wedding, and he names compatibility as the key to the decision. Yet to a young man who feared her looks would weigh on him in the long run he said: then do not marry.
Rav Chaim Kanievskyask your ravdifferent viewsa personal answer - 3.
Can I get engaged if no emotional connection formed during the dating?
No: he calls a marriage without emotion a dead marriage and advises not to get engaged. If attraction does not come — do not force yourself; check with a competent dating coach whether emotional attraction is missing; often "not attracted" is not about looks at all.
Rav Reuven Epsteinask your ravdifferent viewsa personal answer - 4.
Is it true that it does not matter what you feel now and it will all work out after the wedding?
Unfortunately it is not true: feelings do not just come along on their own after the wedding — the couple comes to him instead. Some kind of "click" is needed: you are at ease together and look forward to the next meeting; do not expect a flood of emotion, that comes after the wedding.
Rav Nachum Diamantask your ravdifferent viewsa personal answer - 5.
Should love come before the wedding, or does it come after?
The Torah shows both: of Yitzchak it says he first married and then loved; Yaakov loved Rachel at first sight. There is no single "right" script.
Rav Zelig Pliskindifferent viewsa personal answer - 6.
Do the sources require an emotional attachment before marriage?
There is no such source in Chazal; in the case described he advises getting engaged if the conversation is healthy and each finds the other's looks acceptable.
Rav Aharon Leib Shteinmanask your ravdifferent viewsa personal answer - 7.
By every account the girl is good; the only trouble is that I feel no pull toward her. What do I do?
The answer came with a smile: kinyan meshichah, acquiring by pulling, exists only for animals — if you buy an animal and it does not pull, it is a bad acquisition; but when it comes to marriage, kinyan meshichah does not apply.
Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbachask your ravdifferent viewsa personal answer
Can attraction grow later
- 8.
After how many dates should I feel something?
There is no universal number of dates; connection does not arise by itself — you make it: have you told the person anything you would tell only a close friend? But feelings are not forced: if after an honest try it stays neutral, you may admit this is not your match.
Miriam Zeitlin · authorask your ravdifferent viewsa personal answer - 9.
The looks do not delight me yet, but do not put me off either. Keep going?
If the looks do not repel you and the negative feelings weaken a little from date to date — keep going: physical attraction often develops as emotional connection does. No one truly knows whom they are marrying until they do.
Devora Weiner · authorask your ravdifferent viewsa personal answer - 10.
There was no 'click'. Can a good marriage come of this?
Yes: shared goals and values, mutual respect, good communication, attraction and enjoying each other's company are quite enough. Such a relationship is less intense at first but can be every bit as good — and possibly easier.
Gila Manolson · authorask your ravdifferent viewsa personal answer - 11.
I like her as a person, but her looks bother me. Will it pass?
In more than eighty cases out of a hundred it is not the person himself who minds but what his cousin, the neighbours down the block and his mother will say; if it does not bother him personally, after the wedding the question disappears. But where there is real aversion, do not talk anyone into it.
Rav Nachum Diamantone voice - 12.
He is keen and I feel no response; I am afraid of hurting him more later. Stop now?
The very fear of leading him on keeps you from being attentive and responsive to his interest — and so keeps the connection from forming; the advice was to answer warmth with warmth, and the fourth date became the turning point.
Chani’s mother (as told by Shana Kramer) · anonymousask your ravdifferent viewsa personal answer - 13.
We never had that 'spark' — does that make our love second-rate?
No: love at first sight is the exception that shows what strength the love that grows gradually reaches in the end. Look at such examples not as a reproach but as a promise of what your love is meant to grow into.
Rav Yitzchak Ginsburghone voice - 14.
I am waiting for love like in the novels. Is that what real love is?
That is a fictional world with invented feelings. Real love is a feeling that grows stronger all one's life: involvement, care and respect, building a home together; what a young bride feels is only the beginning.
the Lubavitcher Rebbedifferent viewsa personal answer
How to test your feelings
- 15.
I cannot make sense of my feelings toward this person. How do I test them before deciding?
Take a two-week break — no meetings, no contact — then ask yourself: did you feel an emptiness, did you miss him, did you want to talk and to see him; if the answer to all is no, that is a sign the person is not for you. For others, by temperament, a few more meetings or a frank talk with a friend works instead.
the Lubavitcher Rebbea personal answer - 16.
The candidate fits on paper and makes sense, but my heart is silent. Is that enough?
Not enough: a good marriage is made of many short pleasant moments, and you must not only respect your spouse but enjoy their company. The test question: can I picture spending a week of vacation with this person?
Rav Reuven Epsteindifferent viewsa personal answer - 17.
Are attraction and 'chemistry' the same thing?
No. Attraction is the initial pull, and it can be one-sided. Chemistry is what makes conversation easy, and it is always mutual: talk flows by itself, pauses do not weigh, hours feel like minutes.
Miriam Zeitlin · authordifferent viewsimportant - 18.
If I do not 'see stars', does it mean this is not the one?
That belief came from the surrounding culture, not from the Torah: however much the community fenced itself off, the prevailing ideas seeped through. The absence of "sparks" is a sign of a borrowed yardstick, not of the truth about the person across the table.
Rabbi Abraham J. Twerskidifferent viewsimportant
When no attraction is a reason to stop
- 19.
I am just not drawn to him — can that argument be questioned?
Comfort is a function of time and habit; it does not tell you whether this is your bashert; where goals and outlook match they advise continuing to date even without "stars". And honestly: they have never once talked someone out of a decision that there is no attraction — which is why this argument has become a convenient screen for the real reasons.
Leah Jacobs and Shaindy Marks · shadchanitask your ravdifferent viewsa personal answer - 20.
My head says I will not find better, my heart says no. Which do I follow?
The feelings of the heart matter a great deal: there must be at least some feeling, or a reasonable expectation that it is about to come; if there is none and the heart says no, take that seriously. Where there is no feeling at all, a decision is premature — a few more meetings will clarify.
the Lubavitcher Rebbeone voicea personal answer - 21.
How do I tell ordinary jitters from real intuition that something is wrong?
Three signs that it is more than nerves: concrete red flags — trouble with anger, signs of controlling behaviour; a lack of compatibility, when deep down you know you are very different; and a persistent background anxiety whose cause you cannot name. Marriage is not about convincing yourself to move forward despite your feelings.
Miriam Zeitlin · authordifferent viewsimportant
We get along like friends
- 22.
Is marriage first and foremost friendship or attraction?
The sixth blessing under the chuppah calls the bride and groom re'im ahuvim — loving friends: husband and wife should be beloved and warm friends and companions, as in Shir HaShirim, where the beloved is also called a friend.
Michael Kaufman · author - 23.
We are at ease together, but our hobbies differ. Is that a problem?
Couples can be happy without shared hobbies and without shared ideas of how to spend free time. One thing they do need — to want their spouse to be happy.
Shana Kramer · author - 24.
Why is 'love' in which I really love myself a poor base for marriage?
Love that grows out of self-love is followed by a greater love — for something new — which destroys the first: a kallah served the chassan his favourite dish at every meal, and very soon he could not look at it. So too in marriage, sooner or later comes "enough".
Rav Nachum Diamant - 25.
Must my spouse meet all my needs, including emotional ones?
No: some incompatibility is guaranteed by the fact that one of you is a man and the other a woman. He must share your view on the most important questions and be your closest companion, but for some things you will go to teachers and friends; he will be no more perfect than you — but perfect for you.
Gila Manolson · author
What the labels mean
- ask your rav
- This page shows what different sources have written on the question. The practical decision belongs to your own rav.
- different views
- Sources answer this question differently; the point’s source and the full answer show how.
- one voice
- Only one author is presented here. Several of his answers or publications do not amount to agreement among independent sources.
- a personal answer
- This is an answer given to a particular person in his or her circumstances, or guidance the source itself does not present as a general rule. Check whether it applies to your situation.
- important
- Where there are threats, violence, ongoing humiliation or control, safety and professional help come first. Working on yourself is no substitute for protection from abuse. In immediate danger, call your local emergency services; discuss halachic questions with a rav.
What the books do not cover
- The feeling of being good together but like brother and sister is not addressed in the books: the sources speak of friendship as the base of marriage, of shared hobbies and of attraction, but not of this feeling in that exact form.
- No source names a number of dates after which one should feel it; one author says plainly there is none.
- The answers of the Rebbe and of Rav Chaim Kanievsky are letters and replies to specific people; each such item is marked on its page as a personal answer.
- The sources genuinely disagree: some require at least the beginning of attraction before engagement, others say love comes after the wedding; this guide does not pick a winner.