A Shadchan’s Handbook: Etiquette, Shadchanus, and Difficult Cases

A shadchan is not merely a transmitter of names. He or she shapes the pace, tone, and honesty of the process. In a real sense, a shadchan acts like a shaliach entrusted with very fragile hearts. For younger shadchanim especially, a few core principles are essential.

1. Etiquette and responsibility

The 24-hour rule. A shadchan should train both sides to answer promptly. Waiting without reason creates anxiety and erodes trust.

A shadchan is a filter, not a complaint amplifier. If one side criticizes the other over a small matter, the job is not to relay irritation mechanically, but to offer a more mature interpretation and perhaps save a good shidduch.

Not everything should be relayed verbatim. If one side says the other was “boring” or “awkward,” the shadchan need not turn that into a humiliating quotation. The task is to translate raw criticism into useful, respectful guidance.

A shadchan must protect the dignity of both sides. Over-detailed transfer of negativity can damage not only the current match, but a person’s future chances as well.

Confidentiality is part of halacha, not only politeness. Information gathered for one shidduch should not continue circulating once it no longer serves a constructive purpose.

2. Halacha of payment

Shadchanus is kosher money. Paying a shadchan is not a pleasant extra, but an obligation. The Chazon Ish described these funds as holy and worthy of seriousness.

Dividing the fee. If one person proposed the idea and another brought it to completion, the payment should be divided. The exact formula depends on local practice and rabbinic guidance, but one may not ignore a real contribution.

A relative does not stop being a shadchan. If a brother, sister, or close friend truly did the intermediary work, that contribution does not disappear because of closeness.

3. Difficult cases

When a shidduch gets stuck. Sometimes the answer is not more pressure, but a check for a deeper obstacle. Tradition includes the advice to inspect mezuzos in the home.

What must be disclosed. Minor issues such as allergies are not always obligatory to mention. Serious chronic or psychiatric conditions that affect the marriage decision may not be hidden.

Money is only the vessel. When parents start drowning in numbers, the shadchan should gently return the discussion to the person, the middos, and the ability to build a home.

Practical takeaway. A strong shadchan balances delicacy, truth, and speed. That balance is what creates trust.