A Guide for People Looking for a Shidduch: Questions, Answers, and Advice

This article is intended for candidates and their families to help them navigate the process with the right mindset.

A. Preparation and core criteria

Changing perspective. The Rebbe taught that a person should raise their eyes above material traits. What matters most is yiras Shamayim, good character, and shared life goals.

Marriage is not an educational project. One should not enter marriage hoping to reshape a partner religiously. Look for someone who is already on your level.

The lost object metaphor. Looking for a spouse is like searching for a valuable lost object: you cannot sit and wait for a miracle. You have to go out, ask friends, and work with shadchanim.

B. Dating practice (Q&A)

Should you decline if there are no sparks on the first date? No. The rule of at least two dates is often wise, because people are usually too tense on the first meeting to show who they really are.

How should serious topics be discussed? Once small talk is exhausted, move to life goals, role models, and mentors.

What if the mind says yes but the heart says no? Feelings matter. If after several dates there is no emotional pull at all, it may be right to pause or stop.

C. Stories with a lesson

The math story. A woman once thought mathematical ability was a measure of intelligence. Years into a happy marriage she learned that her husband had failed math repeatedly. Had she known that during shidduchim, she might have missed her bashert.

The peyos story. A woman disliked long peyos. On the first date the man showed up with them shortened because of a barber mistake. By the time they decided to marry, she loved him enough that the peyos no longer bothered her.