The Fear of Not Being "Perfect"

"I live in a very tight-knit and conservative community in Chicago. Here everyone knows everything about everyone else. And this total surveillance breeds a terrible paranoia in me.

I'm in shidduchim right now. Every time I leave the house, I spend half an hour checking whether my skirt sits perfectly, whether a single hair has come loose, whether I look strict enough. But the worst part happens on the inside. I love reading contemporary psychology books and sometimes I listen to classical music through my earphones. But on dates I'm terrified of mentioning any of this. I memorize the right phrases, I talk only about charity and religious lectures. I'm desperately afraid that if I reveal even a drop of my real personality, the guy will decide I'm "not kosher enough" and tell the shadchanit. I've turned into a robot that produces socially approved answers, and I'm scared that I'll find a husband who falls in love with my mask and ends up hating the real me."