Coming Back to Life After the "Closed" Neighborhood

"I grew up in a very strict, closed ultra-Orthodox community (of a Chassidic bent). Over time I realized that this level of isolation from the world wasn't right for me. I moved to a more open Orthodox neighborhood, started dressing a bit more modern, and enrolled in college. I remained fully religious, but I shifted my focus.

But on the shidduch market I ended up "between worlds." To the guys from my former circle I'm now "fallen" and "too modernist"—they look at me with judgment. And to the guys from the Modern Orthodox world I seem "too strange" and "uptight." On dates they joke about things I don't always understand, discuss movies I never saw as a child, and are surprised by my mentality. The shadchanim on both sides throw up their hands: "Rachel, you've broken the system. Decide who you are." It's a very lonely feeling—to understand that you're too modern for one group and too conservative for the other, simply because you found the courage to live your own life."