The Rescuer Syndrome

"On our fourth date, the guy honestly and very emotionally confessed to me that he'd had serious problems in the past with gambling addiction and depression, but that now he was clean and 'looking for a deep, understanding religious girl who would become his safe harbor and help him stay on the right path.'

In my mind the Chesed (loving-kindness) mode switched on. It seemed to me that this was my great spiritual mission — to save this guy, to warm him with my love and build a righteous home. We got married. Eight months later the first major crisis came, and he relapsed — the debts started up again, the secret gambling, and the bursts of rage in which he began to blame me ('You don't support me enough!'). I found myself trapped in codependency. I understood a terrible thing: marriage is a union of two grown, stable people. You can't marry out of pity or out of a desire to become a therapist. A person needs to be healed in specialized clinics, not at the family hearth."